


I Breathed You In

by smolbin



Category: Chanbaek - Fandom, EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol Smut, Character Death, Confused Park Chanyeol, Hanahaki Disease, I Made Myself Cry, M/M, Minor Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Kim Minseok | Xiumin, Painter Byun Baekhyun, Sad Ending, Slice of Life, Smut, Time Skips, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, but it's so minor you can't see, it's sad don't come for me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:27:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25227535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smolbin/pseuds/smolbin
Summary: Falling in love they said, it's a beautiful feeling they said. But no. Falling in love is like giving someone a shotgun pointed at your heart and trusting them not to pull the trigger. And so far, Baekhyun has been shot twice.The first time he saw Park Chanyeol was in a coffee shop. Who knew the last time was going to be on a hospital bed.Because suddenly, deep inside of Baekhyun, Chanyeol started to grow.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 11
Kudos: 37
Collections: Round 4: Spring and Summer





	I Breathed You In

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> This story is written for Exo Seasonal Fest Round 4 with the blossom number #37.
> 
> This is the first story I've written for a fest and I'm so excited because of this. I hope this story brings out the feelings burried deep inside your soul. Because even though if it's a sad feeling, your emotions are the one thing that makes you feel alive. 
> 
> There are so many people I'd like to express my gratitude for this story. First of all, thank you all the mods for making a great fest like this.  
> Then the owner of the prompt #37, thanks to you I was able to write this story. I fell in love with the prompt right after reading it!  
> My biggest thanks goes to my beta reader B. for working so hard together with me for this story! I've learned many things and definitely improved as a writer while working with you. Thank you for helping and supporting me whenever I needed even though I was too much of a burden.  
> My friend T., thank you for supporting me throughout the story and helping me improve the storyline. I'm happy that I have a friend like you who listens to my plot ideas in the middle of the night.  
> And for my boyfriend, thank you for keeping up with me and supporting me even when I went insane over the story and couldn't texted you back for hours. I love you <3
> 
> Last but not least, thanks to all readers who gives this story a chance. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did while working on it!

_Playlist of the story[here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4t0HIWmd81LIFFXrKF4nZD?si=ePqsVkAYRlSGdEqsojSYcg)._

____

**Spring, 2016**

It’s been almost a year since Baekhyun graduated from college and broke up with his boyfriend after 4 years of dating. He thought he had it all during college; a loving boyfriend, the coolest squad, straight up A grades... everything. But now all he was left with is an empty soul.

Baekhyun looked up to see the sun shining down on him, the weather was clear and a cool spring breeze was suppressing the hotness. It was a beautiful day for those who were happy but Baekhyun just wanted to hide inside his little flat.

He took a deep breath and walked inside the coffee shop his friends Minseok and Junmyeon owned. They usually meet everyone there. 

“Baekhyun, hello.” A warm smile from Junmyeon welcomed him and Baekhyun forced himself to send a smile back. “Jongdae and Minseok are in the back, I’ll be there in a minute .”

Baekhyun nodded before he walked towards his friend’s table. He saw the two enjoying their drinks while debating, the conversation bubbly. Minseok was the first to notice Baekhyun and he nudged Jongdae.

“Baekhyunnie.” Minseok hugged the younger with a smile on his face while Jongdae waited for his turn, impatiently.

They have been friends since college. Jongdae was his roommate while Minseok and Junmyeon were their seniors from other departments. 

Jongdae studied Anthropology and now he worked as a research assistant at the university while Minseok and Junmyeon graduated from the Business and Economy Department before opening their own coffee shop. 

However, after graduating from the Arts and Design Department, Baekhyun only seemed to achieve the status of a hopeless painter.

“How have you been?” Jongdae asked in a cheerful tone while all Baekhyun did was frown at his friends who seemed to be happy.

“I have an announcement.” Baekhyun spoke, - Jongdae’s question ignored and hands placed on the table. “Starting today, I officially quit painting. Why didn’t you guys warn me about how being an artist sucks?” 

Baekhyun looked up at his friends seeing how their jaw dropped on the table because of the sudden news. He just shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. “What are you looking at? Painting doesn’t pay my rent.”

“What about that guy who messaged you on Instagram and wanted to display your works in an exhibit for new artists?” Minseok’s lips formed a thin line while waiting for a serious answer from the latter but all Baekhyun did was laugh out loud until his friends started to think something was actually wrong with the boy.

His friends could see the agony behind his glassy eyes even though Baekhyun tried to laugh it off like it wasn’t a big deal.

“Well, he was a fraud.” Baekhyun’s laughter came to an end and he looked at his friends. There wasn’t much to say at this point, since the incident was a bitter experience and he still felt angry about it. “He just wanted to slide into my DMs with his filthy lies. What a life!”

“I am so sorry to hear this Baekhyun-ah.” Junmyeon placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze, showing that he was listening from behind. 

“Nah, don’t be. I decided to study for civil service examinations and stuff. Maybe I can get myself into a company next spring. That’s when they start hiring right?” Baekhyun asked his friends and he really seemed sincere about the idea which was a complete surprise for the others since painting was everything for Baekhyun. 

Despite everything that was going on in his life, he always tried to hold onto his art and the way he wanted to quit now was saddening, causing his friends to feel sorrow. 

Baekhyun’s head fell down onto the table suddenly and he ran his fingers through his half white, half black dyed hair.

Since the first year of college, Baekhyun tried numerous looks as he searched for the one that fit his personality. 

From baby pink to dark blue, caramel to ginger; he had tried so many colors and styles that his friends thought he would go bald by the end of college. But after his break up with his college sweetheart and graduating to become an unsuccessful artist, Baekhyun decided that he didn’t have a specific characterization. Therefore he dyed the left side of his hair white and the right side to black.

He realized he always stood in the middle of these two colors, his life was always dull and gray.

“You can always keep painting while studying or working for a company, you know that right?” Junmyeon caressed Baekhyun’s hair and held one of his hands that was resting on the table after sitting down next to his lover, Minseok. 

Even though Baekhyun wasn’t looking up, his friends were sure of the frown on his face.

“I do. But I don’t want to paint anymore. Nobody buys them, they don’t even _like_ them.” Baekhyun looked up to see his friends’ sad eyes and hated himself more for being pathetic. 

“I like your style, it’s so original. How about you sell us some of your paintings to decorate the coffee shop? Or we can organize a mini exhibition here! Who even needs those galleries?” Minseok spoke with such enthusiasm as he held Baekhyun’s other hand and caressed his skin with his thumb. “I believe in you Baekhyun-ah!”

“Thank you.” Baekhyun pulled his hands to himself, escaping from his friends’ touches. “But I really don’t want to do this anymore. You don’t have to pretend you like my art just because we’re friends.” 

“Baekhyun- don’t do this. We like your paintings! But if you do want to sell more stuff you can always paint some of the famous paintings’ replicas. I bet they’ll make money.” Junmyeon mumbled, his suggestion sounded better in his mind as he realized that Baekhyun would most likely be against this idea. It could be seen as an insult, to suggest for Baekhyun to copy other artists.

“No- no, no, no!” Baekhyun furiously shook his head, his hands were brought down on the coffee table with a loud bang. “Painting replicas? Anyone can be a painter doing that. But you know that not everybody can be a real artist. I can’t be a real artist too, therefore I quit.”

“But we love your drawings! I adore your imagination!” Minseok’s eyes lingered on Baekhyun’s hands then he looked up to face his friend with a childish pout on his lips.

“Clearly you guys don’t have a taste then.” Baekhyun replied, bitterness sweeping into his voice.

“Yah- Why do you always come for us? We are telling you the truth, your works are amazing. It’s just that... there are so many artists nowadays and you have to work harder to get noticed.” Jongdae whined as his friend kept frowning. 

After their graduation, nothing ever seemed to make Baekhyun happy and he hated seeing his friend like this. 

“You are never happy, you almost always find excuses and ditch us, you escape the blind dates we arrange for you and now- now you are saying that you’ll give up on your dream. Seriously, is there something wrong with you? Do you want to die sad and alone?” Jongdae sighed and decided not to continue after he saw how broken Baekhyun looked.

He never meant to hurt his friend like this but he was so fed up with Baekhyun’s excuses that he just wanted the latter to see the reality.

“Easy for you to say...” Baekhyun groaned, his head fell back as a small laughter escaped his lips. “You are still living with your high school sweetheart and dreaming of proposing to her one day, having kids and all. The university loves you, they’re looking forward to you completing your PhD.” 

Baekhyun glared at his friend before his eyes fixed on Minseok and Junmyeon. “And you two, becoming a couple after college, opening your own coffee shop and stuff. Like a fucking romance movie.” He sighed and shook his head side to side. “But here I am, alone and if _that_ isn’t enough, I have no money.”

“Baekhyun, what do _you_ want?” Junmyeon took a deep breath, his eyes focused on his friend who seemed like he was annoyed by the conversation. But the thing is, Baekhyun isn’t the only one annoyed. His friends were even more annoyed and angry. 

They have never wanted anything but happiness for Baekhyun, yet the young man kept pushing them away every time. 

“Do you want us to pity you?” Junmyeon continued, his voice filled with frustration. “Or get angry with you and throw away your paints and brushes? What do you want? I am asking genuinely, tell us so that we can act according to your wish.”

“Nothing. I want nothing.” Baekhyun’s voice was dull, his face was emotionless. A stranger would think he didn't feel anything but his friends could see the pain hidden behind the poker face. Baekhyun felt vulnerable, he felt as if he didn’t have any other choice but to act like this.

“For once, can you act according to how _we_ want you to?” Minseok exclaimed and it was a surprise for everybody at the table. It was the first time they saw the oldest so angry like this, he was usually mild tempered.

Baekhyun looked up to meet his friend’s tensed gaze and it was so intimidating that he felt scared for a second.

“What wish?” Baekhyun got himself together, turning back to his fierce self as he knitted his brows. “What do you want from me?”

“Try to be happy for once. Don’t push us away, don’t lock yourself in. _Talk_ to people.” Minseok’s anger was cut short and his voice lowered down, sounding almost caring now.

“Okay, who? Who should I talk to? Tell me, I’ll do it.” The younger’s eyes wandered around the cafe, pointed his hands towards customers one by one. “Him? Or maybe her? For a different taste huh?”

“Stop being an asshole and-“

“Him.” Jongdae’s words were cut off by Minseok, who pointed at a man sitting across from them.

The man was alone and seemed like he was focused on his phone. He had dark brown hair, neatly combed two sides and he was wearing a light blue shirt with dark gray pants. He looked like Baekhyun’s ideal type, he was handsome and attractive. Looking at the man sent shivers down his spine, he couldn’t help but bite his lips.

The three men looked at the direction of Minseok’s finger, Jongdae a bit irritated by his friend since he cut his words but still, his eyes fixed on the good looking man.

“Yes, go.” Jongdae mumbled, nudged Baekhyun with his elbow, pushed him forward so he could get up.

Finally, Baekhyun stood up on his feet since his friends were being annoying and he had made his promise earlier. The fact that he’s in a defeated state doesn’t help at all, he felt no motivation to resist his friend’s insistence. 

He made his way toward the good looking man and Baekhyun took his time examining his features. The man had a well proportioned body from what Baekhyun saw through his seated figure, his ears were a little bit bigger for his face and his eyes were rounded.

Definitely Baekhyun’s type. 

“Hello.” Baekhyun finally arrived near the table of the good looking man. The feeling of those rounded eyes upon himself was intimidating for Baekhyun, the gaze of the man seated in front of him really pierced through his body.

“Hey.” His voice mesmerized Baekhyun the second he heard it, it was so velvety that it sent shivers down his spine.

It’s been too long since Baekhyun’s breakup. That’s the only explanation for why he felt like this, intense and slightly wanting. It’s far from love at first sight, not that Baekhyun was expecting to fall in love, but the attraction is there.

“Uhm, okay, it’s awkward but… can I buy you a coffee? My friends think that I’ll die alone and I just want to prove them otherwise.” Baekhyun put on a smile and hoped it was a genuine one rather than a creepy one since it was the first time talking to a man with a purpose after his break up.

“Actually-“ The man started, eyebrows fell down as if his words were going to end up hurting Baekhyun in a way but the smaller cut him off before he could complete his sentence.

“It’ll take 5 minutes, I swear I’m a fast drinker.” 

“Actually I’m waiting for someone.” The taller completed his sentence and like Baekhyun had thought, it was a hurtful one. 

Even though the excuse was valid, Baekhyun bitterly came to the conclusion that the attraction he felt was one sided. 

“Oh- sorry. I’m so pathetic.” Baekhyun laughed it off as if it was some kind of lame joke. In a way, it was, his life that is. Not only was his art career a joke but his love was as well. 

The man managed to chuckle. The tall one scratched his nape, lips pressed together in a thin line as he looked apologetic.

“I am sorry. But I am sure you’ll find a better man soon, tell your friends not to worry.”

“Thanks.” Baekhyun smiled awkwardly and walked back to the table shared by his friends. They all looked curious but disappointed at the same time, because their friend’s encounter with the stranger was too short.

“Apparently, I will die alone.” Baekhyun mumbled before he took a seat at the table, and moved his eyes away.

His friends shook their heads, patted his shoulder to reassure him that it’s not true. They told him he wasn’t going to die alone.

**Spring, 2016**

Chanyeol checked the time through his phone, he was about to have a nervous breakdown since thirty minutes had passed already and there was no sign of his crush still.

“Hello.” A voice trembled and broke his trance with his phone and Chanyeol looked up to see someone standing next to his table. 

He had an interesting hair style; half black half white and it was the first thing Chanyeol noticed. The next thing his eyes lingered on was the porcelain face the latter had. His skin was pale and his face was beautiful.

“Hey.” Chanyeol finally managed to open his mouth, waiting curiously for the other to speak up.

“Uhm, okay, it’s awkward but... can I buy you a coffee? My friends think that I’ll die alone and I just want to prove them otherwise.” The smaller man spoke up, he seemed uncomfortable with the offer he was making but he still smiled through the awkwardness and Chanyeol pouted his lips.

“Actually-” He started his words with a lower tone, feeling apologetic since he had to turn down this offer. He didn’t know how to put it but he was waiting for his crush to show up at the moment and he didn’t want to miss his chance to speak with him.

However, to his dismay, the latter cut him off with pleasing eyes and an awkward smile.

“It’ll take 5 minutes, I swear I’m a fast drinker.” 

“Actually I am waiting for someone.” Chanyeol mumbled trying to avert his gaze.

“Oh- sorry. I am so pathetic.” The smaller laughed off and Chanyeol chuckled apologetically. He scratched his nape, lips pressed into a thin line as their eyes met one more time.

“I am sorry. But I am sure you’ll find a better man soon, tell your friends not to worry.” Chanyeol smiled, nodded slowly to his own advice. He was sure that the man standing in front of him would find someone soon, someone with an empty heart, ready to invite this man in.

“Thanks.” The shorter man walked back to his table and Chanyeol watched him from behind feeling slightly sorry.

More minutes passed and there was no evidence of Do Kyungsoo, his crush and his coworker. He sighed slowly, took his phone in his hands and dialed the number he knew by heart.

“Hello.” Soon the angelic voice of Do Kyungsoo was on the line and it filled Chanyeol’s heart with warmness.

“Hey, it’s Chanyeol, uhm- we had a lunch meeting, you forget?” 

“Uh- Chanyeol... you’re from-“

“Accounting and Finance Department, Park Chanyeol.” Chanyeol swallowed the lump in his throat as he realized his crush even forgot his name. “Never mind, I guess you are busy.”

“Uh- I am sorry Chanyeol-ah. Let me make it up to you tomorrow okay? Tomorrow I’ll be free during our lunch break.”

“Okay then, I’ll take it as a promise.” Chanyeol smiled even though Kyungsoo couldn’t see it. But his smile faded away as he hung up the phone, his shoulders fell down and he took a shaky breath.

Great, his crush doesn’t even know who he was.

**Spring, 2017**

Baekhyun looked at his reflection in the mirror before leaving the house. It’s been more than a month since he dyed his hair black but he still couldn’t get used to the natural look.

He was now wearing a simple black suit and a collar name tag identifying him as one of the interns for C&J Company.

It took lots of hard work and studying until he received an interview opportunity with the company before the interview ban season. Since he graduated from the art department and companies were usually looking for students who just graduated, it took more work for Baekhyun to get into a company that wasn’t related to art. However, he managed to pass the interviews and received a call last week. 

He was now Byun Baekhyun the intern. A new life was about to begin.

  
  


Baekhyun entered the company building, looking around like a lost puppy for a few moments before scanning his name card in front of the company doors.

“Good morning, you must be one of the new interns.” A woman stopped Baekhyun on his tracks. 

Since the woman looked like she worked here, Baekhyun bowed deeply and sent her a short smile. 

“Today, the CEO will have a meeting with the interns and later on each intern will be sent off to their departments.” She informed him. “In your departments, your tutors will educate you on how things work there and show you around.” 

As she explained the program for today, Baekhyun nodded and realized the small crowd of interns forming behind him.

____

The meeting was over and Baekhyun felt overwhelmed already. 

Being an office worker sure didn’t suit him well but he had made a promise last year so he wasn’t going to give up on his life yet. He has to get used to this new phase in his life and he’s going to try to be happy. He should at least try.

With slow steps, he walked towards the elevator with another intern from his department. The Accounting and Finance Department was on the 3rd floor of the other block but it didn’t take them long until they found the department. They walked inside with sloppy steps and were met with a bunch of workers dressed in suits working on their computers. 

Baekhyun took a deep breath, the scenery in front of him going to be a part of his new life from now on so he had to get used to it.

“New interns right?” 

Baekhyun turned on his heels to meet with a really tall man in a suit, dark brown hair neatly combed to two sides. He was handsome, attractive in a way that was hard to deny.

Their eyes met after a second. A flash of warmth filled Baekhyun’s chest and he realized that the male was surprisingly familiar and it made Baekhyun gulp. 

“I am Park Chanyeol. I will be your tutor.” The man continued speaking but Baekhyun could see the same surprise in his eyes. 

As his new tutor kept talking, their eyes never left each other. Baekhyun could almost feel the other intern feeling left out but it just didn’t feel right to avert his gaze so he kept looking at the tall male. 

Something about Park Chanyeol made him feel uneasy. It wasn’t a feeling of discomfort but he felt as if his legs couldn’t carry him anymore. Baekhyun couldn’t define the feeling. It was just, something about Park Chanyeol made his stomach tingle. Like a warm spring breeze fondling his skin, the sight of the tall male made him tensed up in the sweetest way.

After ten minutes or maybe longer, Baekhyun was sitting at his new office desk, examining a rules paper given by his tutor, then he remembered. 

He remembered who that man was. He was the man Baekhyun saw in Junmyeon and Minseok’s coffee shop, the one he offered a drink but got rejected right away. It was embarrassing, thinking back to that day. 

He could feel the warmness as it crept its way around his body and the blood rushed into his cheeks, tinting them slightly pink. Baekhyun really hoped his tutor doesn’t remember him.

Maybe because it was his first day or maybe because he was constantly trying to avoid his tutor, the time had passed quickly and it was already lunch break. 

As if everybody was close friends, they left the office in a hurry with laughter as they were trying to decide which restaurant would be better to dine at. Soon, there were only a few people left. 

Baekhyun didn’t want people to think he had nothing to do nor did he want to be a burden so he decided to leave, alone. 

He sat on a table inside the company’s little cafeteria. The cafeteria food wasn’t appealing to him so he decided to skip lunch today. Looking around and trying to understand how to fit in seemed like a better option for him in that moment.

“The fast drinker guy?”

Baekhyun looked back to meet the owner of the familiar voice. 

There he was, standing in front of Baekhyun. Park Chanyeol. 

And he recognized Baekhyun.

“I almost couldn’t recognize you without the half white part of your hair.” He chuckled and Baekhyun felt as if his stomach twisted. 

He couldn’t understand if it was because of embarrassment but he knew that he didn’t like this feeling at all. 

“Oh- I had to dye it a more natural color so that I would have a better chance at getting hired.” Baekhyun tried to smile. The awkwardness between them was starting to become too much so Baekhyun averted his gaze.

“Since we are going to be colleagues from now on, it’s important to get along well. Want to grab that coffee now? As friends.” Chanyeol put on a warm smile, his rounded eyes never leaving Baekhyun’s face. He scratched his neck waiting for an answer. “We can go to the same coffee shop, we still have time.”

“Sure. I’m Baekhyun by the way, Byun Baekhyun.” Baekhyun stood up from his seat and reached to shake Chanyeol’s hand. “A coffee would be good.”

“Nice to meet you Baekhyun-sshi, I’m Park Chanyeol.”

“Nice to meet you.”

____

It’s been almost three months since Baekhyun had started to work for C&J Company and he was getting used to being an office worker.

His days were simple; get up early, go to work, lunch with Chanyeol... 

He admits that lunch was always the best part of the day. Listening to Chanyeol blabber about office and daily life managed to put a smile on Baekhyun’s face every time.

Sometimes he would get lost in Chanyeol’s big, round eyes and miss a few words in between his story. When that happens, Baekhyun would just nod his head in peace and Chanyeol would continue happily. 

Baekhyun found Chanyeol highly energetic and excited, he had everything Baekhyun didn’t have. He was like a happy virus and being with him made Baekhyun feel things. Things he hasn’t been feeling for a very long time.

He would count the time everyday until lunch break even though Chanyeol’s office was only a few steps ahead and he could see him all the time. 

To Baekhyun, lunch breaks had become their special thing. They wouldn’t plan anything ahead and just go with the flow. Both enjoyed their times together and Chanyeol even called Baekhyun his lunch buddy a few times. 

But Baekhyun didn’t want to be just friends, he secretly wanted more.

Baekhyun was seated in front of his computer, checking the time every minute until it showed afternoon. He didn’t want to look like he had waited for this moment, so he opened a file and pretended he was examining it.

“Baekhyun-ah!” He looked up from his computer to meet with Chanyeol’s round eyes watching him curiously. “Are you busy this afternoon?”

“Nah, I was just checking out some files from earlier. You know I’d never miss lunch.” Baekhyun smiled as he rose up on his feet and walked towards his colleague. 

Chanyeol was definitely a happy virus, he managed to put a smile on Baekhyun’s face without doing a particular thing. Maybe it was simply because Baekhyun started to have some feelings for him lately. But Baekhyun didn’t want to dwell too much on this option and wanted to believe the reason for his happiness was related to Chanyeol’s overexcited acts.

“Today I invited a friend of mine. He is from RD, Research and Development Department. You’ll love him!” Chanyeol seemed to be filled with more joy today, his eyes sparkled as he kept talking about how today’s lunch was going to be great and Baekhyun just nodded and listened to him happily.

Together, they exited the company building to walk towards their destination. They had chosen a cafe next to their company for today’s lunch which was famous for its brunch menus. Baekhyun loved their various poached eggs on toast plates and Chanyeol liked the warm sandwiches made with French baguette. 

On their way, they started talking about the business stuff and Baekhyun’s internship. 

Chanyeol always complimented Baekhyun's hard work and eagerness about his job and today was no different. Even when they took a seat inside the cafe and started waiting for their guest, the conversation went on. Chanyeol kept praising him until Baekhyun’s cheeks were completely red and soon they tried to change the topic after Baekhyun’s request.

“Hey, Chanyeol! Did I make you wait too long?”

Baekhyun and Chanyeol had been lost in their conversation, their words cut off by a soft voice, making them both turn their heads in the direction of it. 

The owner of the voice was a good looking, petite young man dressed in a suit. He had short and dark, black hair, he was wearing wide framed glasses surrounding his big and round eyes and he had plump lips suited very well on his face.

“No, no! Kyungsoo, take a seat please. This is Baekhyun, he is an intern from my department.” Chanyeol looked up at the man and Baekhyun could see the sparkles forming in his eyes. His face was shining as he locked his eyes on Kyungsoo’s face.

The look in his face, Baekhyun recognized it right away. 

Because probably he looked the same when he watched Chanyeol, his eyes sparkled like this and followed his every move like a puppy. 

Baekhyun recognized the feeling right away, the familiar feeling that rose up inside him every time he saw Chanyeol. 

There was no need to be an expert to interpret the situation; Chanyeol was in love with Kyungsoo and roads to happiness were blocked once again for Baekhyun.

**Spring, 2017**

Chanyeol looked up from his computer and saw Baekhyun busy writing a report about this month’s company expenses. 

For the last two weeks, Baekhyun seemed to grow distant from Chanyeol and it bothered the tall guy for some reason. He was working in this company for three years now and Baekhyun was the only good friend he liked to hang out with. 

Before him, he would spend the afternoon with his friends from college, Jongin and Sehun or he would keep trying to win Kyungsoo’s heart. But now that Baekhyun was here, he finally had a new person to spend the lunch with.

They always had fun together and although nothing bad happened, Baekhyun started to go into his shell these days.

Chanyeol didn’t understand the reason but Baekhyun started making up excuses during lunch breaks and it hurt Chanyeol deeply. Before two weeks ago, everything was normal. He even introduced Kyungsoo to Baekhyun during a lunch break and since then, they started to spend some time together.

He wanted to ask Baekhyun but he didn’t have the courage to do so. He didn’t know if he had done something to hurt the latter.

“Park-sshi, these are the files sent by Mr. Kim on the employment of the interns. The paperwork should be done by today and the final interrogation before the end of their three month internship will take place tomorrow.” The assistant of the department manager placed two thick folders on Chanyeol’s neatly organized desk and bowed.

“Thank you, I will check them out and finish the paperwork before lunch break.”

“Good luck with that.” The assistant smiled before leaving Chanyeol’s desk.

Chanyeol opened the first folder just to be welcomed by Baekhyun’s warm smile. In front of him was Baekhyun’s internship file and Chanyeol couldn’t help but smile at Baekhyun’s photograph.

He closed the file and looked in the direction of Baekhyun’s desk one more time, seeing the smaller was still immersed into his work. 

He took a deep breath and turned back on the file, examining the pages slowly. Chanyeol had gotten used to Baekhyun around and he really wished for him to pass the final elimination and confirm that he was qualified enough to work here full time.

After examining the files, he decided to patrol around to stretch his legs before returning for the paperwork. It seemed like the paperwork was going to take some time. 

While he was walking around people’s desks, he saw Baekhyun scribbling on an empty paper since he was finished with the report a while ago. 

There wasn’t a particular composition on the paper, there were just singular shapes around, some were linked to each other and some stood independent. There weren’t any colors but the shadowing technique really stood out.

“Yah- this sketch looks amazing.” Chanyeol leaned down to take a closer look but Baekhyun seemed to get startled by the action and tried to hide the paper. “You are so talented.”

“It’s nothing.” Baekhyun crumpled up the paper and tossed it into a trash can quickly before Chanyeol could reach out.

“Do you like to draw?” Chanyeol rested his elbows on Baekhyun’s table and leaned over. He could sense the smaller tense up under his body but Chanyeol didn’t move away, instead he turned to his side to face Baekhyun.

“I used to.” Baekhyun mumbled, incoherent. He stretched his shoulders to shove Chanyeol away and Chanyeol stepped back deciding it wasn’t right to violate Baekhyun’s privacy that much.

“You should draw more though. I saw your CV, you are a graduate from the Arts and Design Department.”

“Being a painter didn’t get me far in life. That’s why I am working here right? What’s the point of continuing if I keep failing?” Baekhyun shook his head trying to avoid any eye contact but Chanyeol could hear the bitterness in his voice.

“I am sorry to hear that.” Chanyeol pouted his lips, he didn’t want to make the other uncomfortable or sad.

“Don’t be.” Baekhyun took a shaky breath before turning on his computer. He opened the report file again and pretended as if he was working on it once again.

“Would you like to have lunch at my place? Mrs. Choi told me that the final interrogation of your internship is tomorrow. I thought I could help you get prepared?” Chanyeol put on his best smile to make Baekhyun accept his offer. 

However, the only thing he got in return was a big frown from the latter.

“I already have plans for lunch.” Baekhyun turned on his seat and put on an apologetic smile which screamed fake. Chanyeol didn’t understand why he kept running away.

“It’s important for you to get a full time job here so please, let me help. I insist.”

“Chanyeol-”

“Please? You seem distant lately and I want to make it up to you if I’ve made any mistake.” Chanyeol’s eyebrows lifted with expectancy and his pouty lips made him look like a child. 

Soon, Baekhyun couldn’t resist the view in front of him and sighed, giving up.

“Fine. You better cook well though.”

“I will make sure I am the finest chef in town.” Chanyeol let out a childish chuckle which eventually made the smaller smile. “See you in a bit then.”

Chanyeol walked back to his desk with a big grin on his face. He was glad he finally convinced Baekhyun to grab lunch together again.

____

Chanyeol stood in front of the building he lives in and smiled at Baekhyun before leading the way to his apartment.

As soon as he opened the door, his dog jumped on him, causing Baekhyun surprise. Chanyeol caressed the dog’s head before making way for Baekhyun to enter inside.

“Calm down, Toben. He is a friend.” He chuckled when Toben jumped on Baekhyun and tried to lick his hands. The smaller chuckled at the action, therefore Chanyeol smiled. He liked when his guests got along well with his pet.

“Cutie.” Baekhyun caressed his black, wavy fur with a smile before following Chanyeol inside.

“I am glad you like him. His name is Toben. He stays with me most of the time but I have allergies. Therefore sometimes I send him to my mother’s house.” Chanyeol explained while placing his jacket on the couch, relaxing a bit. “Make yourself home please.”

“You have allergies but you can’t give up on animals right?” Baekhyun smiled, placing his jacket next to Chanyeol’s. Then he followed him to the kitchen area. “What are we eating today?”

“Which one do you like; hot noodles or chicken flavored?” Chanyeol turned back to face Baekhyun with two types of cup noodles on his hands.

“Cup noodles? What happened to being the finest chef in town?” Baekhyun’s eyes widened as he looked at the noodles with disappointment, making Chanyeol laugh.

“What are you even saying? Noodles are the best!” Chanyeol said jokingly as he put down the noodle cups and turned on the water heater. “I’ll take this reaction as you want hot noodles.”

“You are unbelievable.” Baekhyun mumbled as he sat down on the high kitchen chair, placed his elbows on the counter and resting his chin on his hands. “And I prefer chicken flavor.”

“Me too!” Chanyeol smiled as he took another cup of chicken flavored noodles and opened them happily. 

He poured the flavor powder inside the cups then took out some kimchi and pickled radish to go with while waiting for water to boil. “I don’t usually cook but mother always makes sure I have enough kimchi.” He smiled while checking the water after he put the garnishes in small serving plates.

“Cup noodles are always a great option, right?” Baekhyun smiled as he watched the taller poured water inside cup noodles and waited until they became soft.

“Right.” Chanyeol smiled, looking up from his work. 

A few minutes later he served the noodles, placing them into a bowl to make it look fancier at least.

“Thank you, I’ll eat well.” Baekhyun took the chopsticks resting next to the bowl and bowed before starting his meal.

“Do you think you’re ready for tomorrow?” Chanyeol asked while chewing on some noodles. “You are doing really well, I don’t see any reason for the company to not hire you.”

Baekhyun hummed deeply, thinking about tomorrow. He didn’t think about the end of the internship before, he had just focused on the work he was given.

“I don’t know. I just focused on my internship.”

“You have great potential, even though you didn’t graduate from any department related to this job, you learned everything quickly.” Chanyeol’s words came out determined and confident which relieved Baekhyun slightly.

“Thanks.” He mumbled while slurping on his noodles.

The conversation lasted until they both finished their noodles. 

Chanyeol could see Baekhyun growing more confident in each compliment he got, therefore he kept encouraging him for the interrogation. He really wanted Baekhyun to be his long term colleague.

After finishing their meals, they started chatting about daily issues and personal life. Baekhyun even offered to do the dishes and Chanyeol tried to help him place the dried dishes back in the cabinet.

As Baekhyun tried to reach the cabinet to place the bowl back on the shelf, he rose on his toes only to lose balance when his ankle twisted. 

Right before he was about to drop the bowl and fall back, Chanyeol caught him and the bowl just in time. 

The taller could see the blood rush to Baekhyun’s cheeks, painting them a lovely, light pink as they stood so close to each other. Chanyeol’s chest rose up and down as his breaths quickened. Baekhyun was looking at him with expectant eyes and it didn't help him figure out what to do either. 

Chanyeol felt confused at the moment, he couldn’t decide what to do. His heart raced although he didn’t know the reason.

Right in that moment, Chanyeol’s phone started to ring, saving them from the increasingly awkward moment. 

He helped Baekhyun stand on his feet safely and took out his phone from his pocket. 

His eyes widened at the name written on the screen, his palms started to sweat and before making his phone ring twice he answered the call.

“Hello, Kyungsoo?” Chanyeol’s voice cracked as he called his name, making him facepalm himself. He still felt over the edge whenever his crush called him. “Oh- really? No, no I am not busy. I’ll be there, don’t worry.” As he listened to Kyungsoo whine about paper works and how he didn’t get to eat, he missed the disappointment formed on Baekhyun’s eyes.

Kyungsoo was blinding Chanyeol, making him shut his eyes close to everything around him whenever he called. Even his friends around him tried to convince Chanyeol that this wasn’t a crush but an obsession. 

Chanyeol doesn’t love Kyungsoo anymore, he was just obsessed with finding an answer from him. However, Chanyeol believed it was true love. If it wasn’t love, how could one explain his reactions whenever Kyungsoo was around. His heart raced, his palms sweated, his breath hitched... Wasn’t it love?

“It would be so good if you could grab lunch from the cafe for us to eat before coming.” Kyungsoo mumbled on the phone while Chanyeol kept nodding his head even though Kyungsoo wasn’t there to see him.

“Yes, sure. I’ll be right there, don’t worry. See you.” Chanyeol hung up the phone and came eye to eye with Baekhyun right after.

“I guess you need to go?” Baekhyun scratched his neck with a half hearted smile. 

The look on his face somehow broke Chanyeol’s heart, he couldn’t describe exactly what he saw but he still felt sad over it.

“I apologize.” Chanyeol sighed as he looked into Baekhyun’s eyes. The look on smaller’s face made him uncomfortable.

“It’s okay.” Baekhyun mumbled.

It was okay, Baekhyun always reassured Chanyeol like that.

Chanyeol wanted to believe his sincerity but he never knew he would find out it wasn’t okay in the worst way possible.

**Spring, 2018**

“I hate him. I hate him.” Baekhyun ran his fingers through his hair, pulling the black strands until his head started to hurt slightly while mumbling to himself. “I hate him because he doesn’t love me back. How selfish am I...” 

Baekhyun took a deep breath, trying to clear his mind. He thought he was selfish, hating someone just because that certain someone didn’t share the same feelings as him. It was shallow of him to hate Chanyeol just because of that. However, Baekhyun couldn’t help but feel it.

Alcohol was his best friend these days, he would drink it until he passed out. It tasted bitter, just like how his life was and Baekhyun liked feeling lighter with the effect of alcohol, it made his body lose control. 

The bitter drink burnt his lungs but it caused a passionate fire within him every time. It made him fearless. 

“But I hate myself more... I hate myself more than everyone...” Baekhyun shook his head, his voice sounded desperate.

“I think it’s time that you start talking with us instead of talking to yourself, right?” Baekhyun turned around to find Junmyeon standing next to the bar stool he’s been sitting on for hours. There was also Minseok behind him, waiting with a smile.

“We don’t want our friend to turn into an alcoholic.” Junmyeon continued with a soft smile on his face. Baekhyun didn’t know if he saw pity in his friend’s eyes or it was just a sincere smile.

“I am not an alcoholic. Plus, we are here to celebrate Jongdae’s proposal to his soon to be wife. So, no need to ruin the night.” Baekhyun answered with a fake smile. He knew his friends could read what was written behind his expression but he was very tired of talking about his life.

“Ever since you got into that company, ever since you met that Chanyeol guy, you were so happy. What changed?” Minseok took a seat next to Baekhyun before continuing. “Lately, you seem more depressed than ever. I thought you liked him. It seemed like he made you really happy”

“He makes me happy. That’s the problem.” Baekhyun took a sip from his glass. The bitter drink burnt his stomach for a second before leaving in its place a light feeling. “I love him. But I hate him. Because he doesn’t love me, he loves that Kyungsoo guy and I am nothing but a friend.”

Baekhyun was tired. He was tired of acting like everything was fine. He couldn’t find the strength to send a smile to his friends when he felt broken inside. Therefore he let his face reflect everything he truly felt.

The look on his face wasn’t exactly a happy one. It was desperate but not sad either. It was everything in between, it was hard to describe, like he had felt alive and now he’s lifeless. Baekhyun’s life was painted gray once again and he doesn’t like it. 

He had thought that everything was okay, his life was going well and he was getting himself together after years. He had found a man, a man that lit a fire in him. Chanyeol brought light into his life. 

At least, Baekhyun thought so. But in the end, living a one sided love drained all his energy, left him hopeless. Baekhyun was back to his mundane life, the colorful memories he shared with Chanyeol was about to fade away.

He had tried really hard to rebuild his life, starting from the ground. But now everything was on the edge, teetering, ready to crumble down into pieces. Baekhyun was going through an earthquake and this new life structure he has been building up for himself wasn’t tough enough to survive.

“Baekhyun, you can’t keep hurting yourself over people. You should just tell him how you feel. And if he rejects you, he rejects you.” Junmyeon put his hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder, gave it a light squeeze as he continued talking. “If he rejects you, then you can finally start a new life without false hope. This won’t get you anywhere if you keep your feelings to yourself.”

“If he rejects me, then it will be over. It will be the end. The end of my new life. All my promises, all the work I did on myself will go to waste.” Baekhyun’s voice contained anger and sorrow, it seemed like all his emotions were mixed now that he was feeling helpless over his love life.

“Don’t be ridiculous. If he rejects you, you can build yourself a new life. Without relying on him.” Minseok sighed before taking a sip of his newly ordered drink. All he wanted was to see his friend happy again. “You keep hanging out with Chanyeol and it devastates you. Because he is too blind to see your love for him.”

“I don’t know how to build a new life. I don’t know what to do. It seems like I’m trying to make a new start over and over again but nothing seems to work for me.” Baekhyun placed his hands on his head as he rested on his elbows.

Baekhyun felt like nothing worked for his favor these days and he really felt helplessness take capture of him.

“Baekhyun, maybe the problem is that you keep looking for someone to emotionally attach on.” Junmyeon tried to choose his words carefully but still he didn’t know how to put this. “You don’t need other people to be happy. You are a strong individual, you can make yourself happy.”

Baekhyun looked up as Junmyeon talked. He took a deep breath and thought about it for a second. Was he strong enough to make himself happy?

“Baekhyun, the past might be painful but there isn’t any reason for the future to be the same.” Minseok reached out to ruffle Baekhyun’s hair, trying to lighten the mood. His voice took a calming tone and he hoped it would make Baekhyun feel better. “You can build yourself a happy future to live in. Just don’t put the ropes of your life into someone else’s hands.”

“Thank you, guys.” Baekhyun stuttered. He knew he wasn’t that confident in his words but he still hoped that his friends would see that he was trying.

“Now, it’s time to celebrate Jongdae’s proposal. He is about to arrive. Let’s welcome him cheerfully.” Junmyeon patted Baekhyun’s back and smiled at him.

Baekhyun could see that his friends believed in him, they believed Baekhyun on his journey. However, he still lacked confidence.

____

It was late at night, Baekhyun was sitting in his pajamas. There was a romance movie on the tv but Baekhyun’s mind was too busy to pay attention.

Ever since he met with his friends, he was thinking about what they had said. Maybe they were right, it was time for Baekhyun to confess his feelings. 

But Baekhyun knew the answer already and confessing meant losing Chanyeol.

He didn’t want to lose Chanyeol just yet, he enjoyed their time together. Without Chanyeol’s company, working would be boring. Also, if Chanyeol rejected him, staying in the company would turn the situation into a nightmare. They would always see each other and it would hurt both of them. Even thinking about it made his chest hurt; to look into Chanyeol’s eyes but not being able to smile. Starting his days without hearing Chanyeol’s husky voice would just leave him devastated, there wouldn’t be a reason for Baekhyun to continue working there.

Baekhyun’s thoughts were cut off by the doorbell. He checked the time, it was 10 at night and he didn’t remember expecting someone.

When he opened the door, he saw the person he expected the least. 

Park Chanyeol was standing in front of his door with a smile on his face.

“Chanyeol?” Baekhyun tilted his head aside, looking at the man confused. He didn’t think he would see Chanyeol at his house. He didn’t even remember giving him his address.

“Surprise. I brought chicken and beer.” Chanyeol lifted a bag he was holding. 

The hot steamed chicken flavor filled Baekhyun’s nose, his mouth watered thinking about the taste.

“I took your address from the contact file of the company. I realized I’ve never visited you before.” Chanyeol said with a sheepish smile. His eyes sparkled with a child-like innocence, it made Baekhyun realize he has missed the sight of him even though it’s been only a few days since he last saw Chanyeol.

“I- I am surprised.” Baekhyun stuttered. He genuinely didn’t know what to say. He was speechless, did Chanyeol really want to see Baekhyun?

“Was the timing bad? Since I left for a work trip a couple of days ago, I missed our lunch meetings.” Chanyeol gave the food bag to Baekhyun’s hands before taking his shoes off.

Baekhyun stepped back to let the taller inside. He was still in a little shock, did Chanyeol miss him for real? He wanted to spend time with Baekhyun and this alone was enough to put a smile on Baekhyun’s face.

“No, timing is perfect. I was alone and bored.” Baekhyun finally answered while closing the door behind Chanyeol. He happily showed the way to his living room. 

Baekhyun’s apartment was smaller compared to Chanyeol’s. The living room was connected with the open kitchen and the bed room was separated with a folding screen only. It was pretty minimalistic, the interior looked like the traditional houses but decorated with Baekhyun’s paintings and half empty canvases.

Chanyeol walked inside the house, eyes looking around like a curious puppy trying to examine everything. Soon his eyes locked on a few painted canvases leaned against the wall. 

They were painted with light and pale colors but it still managed to steal attention. They were different from the paintings that made people stare at them for hours, but Chanyeol could still feel breathless.

The paintings reflected Baekhyun very well. 

They didn’t seem special at the first look but they definitely had a particular thing that woke up different feelings inside a person. The more you looked at the paintings, the more you felt interested.

“Did you paint these?” Chanyeol turned around to see Baekhyun staring up at the ceiling. “These are really good.”

Baekhyun didn’t know why he didn’t throw them away yet. He wasn’t painting anymore and all his tools were hidden in the closets but the canvases were still out in the living room.

“You’re lying.” It took awhile for Baekhyun to talk. His feelings were written on his face before anyways. He wasn’t pleased with his works as an artist and it showed. “They are not good enough.”

“Look.” Chanyeol stepped closer to the smaller, his face welcoming an understanding smile. “Art is neither good or bad. It’s about how the artist wants to interpret his emotions. It’s where you express yourself freely.”

Chanyeol placed his hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder but Baekhyun didn’t feel confident enough to look at him in the face, so he stepped back trying to avoid the conversation. 

“People either like it or not, Baekhyun. That doesn’t define your talent. I think you are an amazing painter, I can say this just by looking at a few of your works.” Chanyeol said with a reassuring smile but Baekhyun chose to stay quiet.

Baekhyun didn’t know what to say but he felt moved by Chanyeol’s words. When he finally gathered his courage to look up, he saw the warm smile on Chanyeol’s face and realized the sincerity under his words.

Once again Baekhyun realized that he couldn’t give up on Chanyeol like his friends told him to do. He needed Chanyeol’s reassuring words in his life, he needed to see that warm smile.

Maybe the situation teared his heart apart because being with Chanyeol didn’t seem possible. But still, Baekhyun liked suffering if he got to see Chanyeol at the end of the day.

He decided to wait longer. He wanted to believe Chanyeol would respond to his one sided love. But he never thought it would take Chanyeol too long to find his real feelings.

**Spring, 2018**

Chanyeol placed his shot glass on the coffee table and looked at his friends with a frown on his face. He grimaced at the bitter taste that burnt his throat, he didn’t like hard drinks.

He was at home with his friends Sehun and Jongin, they were playing drinking games. But the games were more like excuses to make Chanyeol drunk.

“You always choose taking a shot rather than answering our questions.” Sehun whined with his arms folded in front of his chest. “That’s not how you play a game.”

“No, that’s _exactly_ how you play a game.” Chanyeol protested. “There is a reason why they put two options to this game. You either answer or drink. It’s up to you.” 

“You, smart ass, tsch...” Sehun mumbled under his breath as he watched Chanyeol turning the bottle again.

Three of them watched the bottle with expectant eyes. The bottle turned around a few rounds to point Chanyeol once again, making him whine in annoyance.

“I am done with this game, I can’t drink anymore.” Chanyeol sighed, pushing the alcohol bottle away from himself. He’s been drinking a lot today, since he refused to answer the questions Sehun and Jongin asked. They were always asking about his love interests and most of the time conversation ended with his friends judging his crush.

“If you can’t drink, you have to answer.” Jongin put on a grin, he looked like a naughty child who was about to do something against the rules his mother made.

“You little brats-” Chanyeol started his words only to get cut by Sehun.

“Don’t be a whiny baby. You either drink or answer, like you said, this game has two options. So, if you can’t drink just answer the damn question.” Sehun put the alcohol bottle back to its place, in front of Chanyeol and started waiting patiently until Jongin came up with a question.

“So, confession time. You like this new Baekhyun guy, don’t you?” Jongin wiggled his brows, he still had that grin on his face.

“What? No!” Chanyeol exclaimed, his brows knitted together. “No, he is just a friend. You know I like Kyungsoo. Actually, I love Kyungsoo.”

“Are you sure it’s love though? It’s been years man.” Sehun sighed, looking at his friend. He looked frustrated about the topic. Everything related to Chanyeol’s love life was frustrating anyways.

Chanyeol felt attacked, he couldn’t describe the feeling but he felt defeated under the quick attacks coming from his friends.

“He knows, you know. Kyungsoo is aware of your feelings towards him.” Jongin said before taking a quick sip of his drink. Everybody was aware of the situation. “He is using you. Because you keep following him like a puppy.”

“It’s not love, it’s just your obsession. You desperately want him to like you, but you don’t realize that even you have lost your feelings towards him.” This time Sehun started, keeping the attacks coming. Their words were like knives.

Chanyeol was in a pure state of shock. 

He opened his mouth but the words didn’t come out. He just looked at his friends with an open mouth and rounded eyes. He felt angry but the anger was more towards himself. Chanyeol couldn’t name the reason. Was it because his friends were right? Was he obsessed with Kyungsoo? Was it because Baekhyun? _Did_ he start developing feelings towards the latter?

“You used to talk about him all happily. But now, talking about Kyungsoo feels like a part of your daily routine. All mundane, nothing special.” Sehun continued his words. The atmosphere was now serious as everybody left their drinks on the table.

“Now you only smile when you talk about Baekhyun. And he sounds like a better man.” Jongin offered Chanyeol a smile, he really wanted the best for his friend. But Kyungsoo wasn’t the option for Chanyeol. Chanyeol needed a better man, a man that would make him happy. 

“I don’t like Baekhyun. He is a friend. And he makes me happy, as a friend. Don’t you ever try to get me to betray Kyungsoo!” Chanyeol stood up on his feet, looking at his friends with disgust.

Chanyeol was confused, he didn’t know how to feel. Anger, frustration, confusion, hate... Everything was mixed together and he felt like a ticking bomb. He was about to explode. 

Who was right? Did he really love Kyungsoo? What if Sehun and Jongin were right?

“What betrayal are you talking about?” Jongin stood up to face Chanyeol. Both were pissed at each other, squinting their eyes. “There isn’t anything between you and Kyungsoo. There isn’t a betrayal.”

“It’s okay to like someone else, you know. You tried enough for Kyungsoo, it didn’t work out. Now you can move on.” Sehun was the calmest one as he talked in his seat. He didn’t want to start a fight so he pulled Jongin by his pants to make him sit down. “You both calm down, please.”

“It’s not okay- Baekhyun is a friend. He’ll stay like that. And I’ll make Kyungsoo fall for me, you’ll see!” Chanyeol’s eyes were bigger than usual. His veins could be seen through his neck.

“You’ll only end up hurting yourself.” Jongin and Sehun said at the same time. It was saddening to see their friends so blinded by his obsessions like this.

“So be that, it’s my decision in the end. If I hurt myself, I hurt myself.”

Chanyeol was okay with his decisions as long as he hurt himself only. However, he didn’t know that his decisions were going to affect others around him.

____

Chanyeol laid on the bed, he was back from a work trip a while ago and now he was bored and alone at home. His mind was busy with the conversation he had with Jongin and Sehun last week.

Chanyeol was constantly in between, his mind was split into two. 

Thinking about Kyungsoo and Baekhyun really made him frustrated. Did he start to like Baekhyun? This question was constantly in his mind, making him angry. Was it betrayal to Kyungsoo?

Chanyeol rose on his feet, he didn’t want to drown in these thoughts anymore. He wanted to have fun. So, he took his laptop from his desk and turned it on. He searched through company files to find the contacts of the employees.

“Do Kyungsoo…” Chanyeol’s eyes stuck on the name, his mind trying to process. He wanted to click on the name but his hand didn’t move. 

Instead, he scrolled up and clicked another name.

_Byun Baekhyun._

The sight of the name itself gave him a small smile, he just felt peaceful; nothing particular, just a cosy and warm feeling. A feeling that felt like home. That was how Byun Baekhyun made people feel.

Chanyeol shook his head, sending away the thoughts off of his head. 

It felt wrong to think about Baekhyun like that. He didn’t want to busy his mind with thoughts of him. However, it was always Baekhyun’s face that came in front of his eyes lately.

Chanyeol noted Baekhyun’s contact address on his phone before getting ready. It was a new feeling for him. 

For the first time, he chose Baekhyun over Kyungsoo.

____

It was late at night when Chanyeol found himself half asleep on Baekhyun’s couch. The night went on with pure fun, they ate their chickens while watching a funny movie.

Chanyeol realized how similar they were with Baekhyun; they often made the same comments about the movie scenes, they shared inside jokes and had fun together.

“It’s getting late, I better go.” Chanyeol turned to his side to face Baekhyun who was fighting hard to keep his eyes open.

“You are sleepy, stay the night.” Baekhyun murmured, slowly getting up from the couch. “I get you fresh and clean sheets.”

“No, I don’t want to bother you.” Chanyeol protested, he didn’t want to give Baekhyun any trouble. But the younger insisted for Chanyeol to stay the night. So, he could do nothing but accept the offer.

“I can sleep on the couch, no need for anything.” Chanyeol followed Baekhyun to the bed that was separated from the living room area.

“You take the bed, please.” Baekhyun took out some clean sheets from the closet, he walked towards the bed to change the sheets.

Baekhyun’s welcoming acts put a smile on Chanyeol’s face. It felt good to be taken care of.

Chanyeol grabbed a side of the sheets, trying to help the smaller. They came eye to eye for a second, both of their faces covered with warm smiles. 

Chanyeol felt a change in his heartbeat, it got faster as he kept looking at Baekhyun’s beautiful smile.

“Goodnight, Yeol.” Baekhyun mumbled after finishing the bed. It was the first time that Baekhyun called him by this nickname.

It made his heart beat faster, his stomach tingled with a warm feeling. It was all familiar and it made Chanyeol uncomfortable. Why was he excited to be with Baekhyun? Why did he come here instead of Kyungsoo’s house?

Byun Baekhyun was addicting, Chanyeol kept wanting more time with him. But he was just a friend, wasn’t he? It felt wrong to want him. Chanyeol had Kyungsoo in his heart and he wanted him only, right?

Cold sweats dropped down his spine. Chanyeol felt confused, his heart was torn between two. Frustration, the only word that could describe the way he felt was frustration.

Suddenly, it was only frustration on his face and all the warm smiles had gone.

“Goodnight, Baekhyun.” Chanyeol managed to say, his voice was so low compared to a while ago.

Frustration. Chanyeol felt frustration taking over his body. And even Chanyeol, himself, was surprised how his emotions changed so quickly.

**Spring, 2019**

Baekhyun woke up in the morning with a pain in his lungs.

He put his hand on his chest, grabbing his t-shirt tightly. He felt as if he couldn’t breathe, suffocating, his chest hurt with every move. He shut his eyes, he tried to catch his breath. This has been happening a lot lately, he would often find himself waking up breathless with a sharp pain in his chest.

He got out of bed when the pain stopped and sighed in relief. He went to the bathroom to check on himself. It was another sick morning, his face was as pale as it could be and under his eyes there were dark blue circles.

Baekhyun has been through a lot all his life, he struggled constantly but he had never looked so washed up like this.

The last year has been very hard for Baekhyun. 

His relationship with Chanyeol started going downhill and it hurt Baekhyun dearly. It felt like Chanyeol grew distant from him day by day. Baekhyun didn’t know if he did something wrong but Chanyeol acted as if he was angry towards Baekhyun. 

They had stopped eating lunch together, Chanyeol often made up excuses about it. No matter how much Baekhyun tried to build happy moments with him, Chanyeol always managed to escape. He even invited Chanyeol to his house, buying chicken and beer for them to enjoy like the last time. But Chanyeol rejected the offer again.

It seemed like Chanyeol tried really hard to ignore Baekhyun’s presence. Their small chit chats in the office, lunch breaks together… every moment they shared together has come to an end. And Baekhyun didn’t know where he went wrong.

Baekhyun took a deep breath, thinking about the situation just gave him headaches. 

Lately, he had been thinking about confessing his feelings to Chanyeol. Baekhyun’s friends constantly told him to pour out his heart and let go of the pain. They always told him to tell Chanyeol and move on after it. If Chanyeol rejects Baekhyun, then so be it. He had to move on.

Today was the day he was going to confess and get rid of the weight on his chest.

____

Baekhyun took a deep breath as he looked at his living room. Dinner table was decorated with small candles and fancy dishes. Baekhyun didn’t want to seem like a hopeless romantic but the way he prepared the house and thought about every single detail made it seem like he was.

Everything was ready after he dressed up and looked at himself in the mirror. His face was pale, but nowadays, Baekhyun was used to seeing his face like this. He would put on foundation and even a little makeup to look better before going to the office because he didn’t want to look sick.

Once again, he opened the drawer under the sink and took out some beauty products. _Just a little bit_ , he thought, he just wanted to seem more lively to Chanyeol.

He covered up the dark circles underneath his eyes, putting on concealer and foundation just to look a little less pale, a little less sickly. He neatly combed his hair, trying to straighten his bangs. Then he put on a smile to hide his excitement.

Baekhyun felt nervous as the time passed. Chanyeol said he was on his way and as his arrival got closer, Baekhyun’s stress grew.

The confidence he tried to build up was all gone when he heard the doorbell. 

Baekhyun’s hands were all shaky as he held the doorknob. He took a deep breath, his heart was beating so loud that Baekhyun was scared that Chanyeol could hear it from the other side of the door.

Baekhyun finally gathered his courage and twisted the doorknob, opening the door, only to see Chanyeol smiling next to Kyungsoo which Baekhyun didn’t remember inviting.

The scene was shocking for all three of them. Baekhyun could almost hear his heart cracking, it felt as if his heart was crumbled into pieces. He opened his mouth but the words didn’t come out, he just stared at the two blankly. 

On the other hand, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo were surprised at the scenery in front of them too. Behind Baekhyun, there was a dinner table prepared for _two_. And it was obvious that it was supposed to be a romantic night.

“Baekhyun-” Chanyeol looked behind the smaller, seeing the table with the candles on. “What’s going on?” He asked with his eyes widened.

Chanyeol was also confused about what was going on. It was written all around his face.

“Okay... this is awkward.” Kyungsoo mumbled from behind, eyes going between Chanyeol and Baekhyun as the two exchanged looks. The atmosphere was tense, uncomfortable and both of them were frozen in their places. 

While watching them, Kyungsoo’s expression almost screamed uncomfortable. Being inside an awkward situation like this was the last thing he wanted. “I better go.” 

“No! Stay please.” Chanyeol turned back to look at Kyungsoo with pleading eyes but it was obvious that the latter was very disturbed by the situation. “I guess there is a misunderstanding in this situation.”

“I believe so.” Kyungsoo put on a smile but it was hard to tell whether it was sincere or not. “I guess you two have a lot to talk about, so I should go.”

Without listening to what Chanyeol was about to say, Kyungsoo turned back on his heels and left the other two alone in the entrance.

Silence captured the room as Baekhyun and Chanyeol stared at each other. Baekhyun’s eyes were filled with disappointment and hurt. 

“Why are you doing this?” Baekhyun stuttered out.

His voice was so low and the words were forced out of his mouth. His mouth twitched, he was holding back his tears, trying so hard not to cry. All his body was shaking, as if an earthquake occured. But this time the earthquake was powerful enough to knock down him.

“Doing what?” Chanyeol asked, his eyes big and round as if he didn’t know what Baekhyun was talking about. It irritated Baekhyun, the intense feeling surprising him. Chanyeol obviously knew what was going on but the way he acted so oblivious.

“Bringing him with you whenever I call? Are you that blinded by him? Can’t you see my feelings?” Baekhyun’s voice became higher with every word as if it wasn’t him that was forcing out the words a second ago. His voice contained anger but it wasn’t just pure rage; it was a combination of anger, sorrow and disappointment. Baekhyun’s heart was burnt down into ashes and the fire still continued inside his body.

“Baekhyun, we are just friends. You know I love Kyungsoo.” Chanyeol said, his face showing no emotion at all which hurt Baekhyun even more. 

He expected rejection but he hoped that Chanyeol would at least be gentle with it. Baekhyun never thought Chanyeol would reject him so harshly like this, with no emotion. He could’ve at least feel sorry about it. But it seemed like it was the easiest thing to talk like this for him, as if breaking Baekhyun’s heart didn’t mean anything. 

As if all their moments together meant nothing.

Baekhyun could even see a slight of anger within Chanyeol’s eyes, instead of feeling sad over it Chanyeol was angry about the situation and it was a startling sight.

“It’s always Kyungsoo, you are too blinded by him that you can’t even realize he is only using you!” Baekhyun’s voice was high, the anger could be sensed but also his lips were trembling as he talked. Soon, tears fell down on his cheeks wetting his porcelain skin.

“You don’t know anything, Baekhyun! Stop making assumptions, okay?” This time it was Chanyeol who was shouting. The veins on his neck were visible as he widened his eyes and stepped forward towards Baekhyun with pure rage. “You and me.” His voice lowered, Baekhyun had never heard Chanyeol’s velvety voice filled with so much hatred like this before. “We will _never_ be a thing. Why can’t you accept the truth and back off?” 

There were so many emotions in the air, all mixed together. None of them could show their sadness with honesty, there was always anger that followed behind.

“Then why don’t you accept the truth about Kyungsoo? He doesn’t like you back. Let’s both quit then!”

“Yah! Mind your own business. Never mention his name again.” Chanyeol glanced at Baekhyun, the look on his face was so sharp that Baekhyun felt like it pierced through his skin. 

Baekhyun knew it was time to stop, he knew he was rejected and there was no point in starting a fight with Chanyeol. He could have just ended things on good terms. But instead of accepting the truth, Baekhyun digged in the things more.

“What about it? Isn’t that the truth?” Baekhyun tilted his head, his tone was slightly mean like he was the jock who was bullying a random kid in a high school drama. He didn’t mean to sound like that, he wanted to stop, but he was so hurt about it that he couldn’t help but continue his harsh words. “He doesn’t like you. He only calls you when he needs someone to do his chores. You are just a puppy to play with, Kyungsoo put a collar around your neck.”

Chanyeol gripped Baekhyun’s chin before he could continue. The smaller let out a whine as Chanyeol’s strong hands pressed down harshly onto his teeth.

A second after, Chanyeol let go of Baekhyun, stepping back. His hands fell down to his sides as he looked at Baekhyun. This time Baekhyun could see the agony in the taller’s eyes and he knew things went too far that none of them could fix their relationship now.

“Baekhyun. Let’s stop. Clearly we can’t even be friends.” Chanyeol mumbled before leaving the house. It was the last words he said before everything got worse.

____

Baekhyun took a deep breath as he waited inside the doctor’s office. 

The last couple of weeks hasn’t been easy as he had to keep seeing Chanyeol and it broke his heart into pieces every time. 

Lately, the pain he felt on his chest started to become unbearable. Baekhyun first thought it was just a side effect of being extremely sad. Then he started coughing so he believed that it could be a simple flu infection or something similar. 

However, everything started going downhill when he coughed out flower petals covered in blood.

Baekhyun knew it wasn’t a simple flu, there was something wrong with him and he didn’t feel good about it.

“Okay Byun-sshi.” The doctor talked while examining the monitor on his desk, humming occasionally. “I know you are tired of coming here.”

The doctor was right, Baekhyun was tired of coming to the hospital every day. Since his first examination, he had to come back for many blood tests and x-rays.

“But we finally have an idea about your problem.” The doctor continued and it made Baekhyun’s heart start beating faster.

Baekhyun was definitely nervous, he knew nothing good could come after this much tests and examinations. 

He took a deep breath and tried to calm down himself.

“All symptoms show hanahaki disease. At first we didn’t want to make assumptions because it’s very rare. Although, after your x-rays we became sure.”

“Hanahaki disease?” Baekhyun looked at the doctor confused. He has never heard of this disease before.

The doctor nodded before turning the monitor towards Baekhyun, showed him the x-ray of his lungs.

“It’s a Japanese term, the disease was discovered there first. Hana means flowers and haki means destroying. It’s a disease where your lungs start growing flowers around them.” The doctor explained while pointing towards the monitor. 

Baekhyun took a look at the x-ray, around his right lung there was a shape that looked like a flower blossoming. It was small, there were only a few petals on it but Baekhyun could see more branches around the flower showing that there were going to be more petals soon.

“Hanahaki disease? It doesn’t make sense, it sounds like a stupid made up thing.” Baekhyun mumbled. He really didn’t understand even though the x-ray was right in front of his eyes, he didn’t want to believe it. 

“Why?” He asked, his eyes glued on the screen. The question was more towards himself, why must he suffer like this? 

Baekhyun was tired, he felt like he was tired from everything in that short moment. It was always _him_ that couldn’t be happy, bad things always happened to _him_.

“The research about hanahaki disease is still going on.” Doctor lowered his eyes, gathered his hands together on his desk while playing with his fingers. “I apologize for not being able to give you any further information but for now I can only tell you that it starts off as a psychological thing. It occurs when an individual is stuck in a one sided love.” 

A long silence followed the doctor's words. Baekhyun was unable to answer, he was just speechless in front of this situation.

Being in a one sided love was alone bad enough, but now, he was literally suffering from it. He was love sick and it wasn’t in a metaphorical way.

Baekhyun gulped down the lump in his throat, his mouth felt dry.

“The disease has been mutated in the past years, developing many psychical signs.” The doctor sighed, there wasn’t a scientific way to explain it. Even scientists and many doctors were surprised by the mutation of the disease, it spread fast. “I will explain it in a way you’ll understand, Baekhyun. There are flowers blooming in your lungs and soon, they’ll leave you breathless and suffocate you.” 

“Am I going to die?” Baekhyun’s voice came out low and hoarse, as if he hasn’t been speaking in years. He didn’t know what to feel about it. 

A part of him wanted to scream, scream until his lungs burn. He wanted to cry out, why did everything bad find _him_ out of all those people in the world?

But another part of him accepted the death way too quick, felt relieved that all his suffering was coming to an end.

His emotions crashed, his thoughts fought against one another. What was he supposed to feel about his own death?

Dry, his mouth felt dry and the lump lodged in his throat grew bigger and bigger.

“There is a chance you'll survive. There are cases where the patient survived with an operation. Removing the flowers is possible.” Doctor looked at Baekhyun with hope, his eyes sparkled. “But there is a side effect of the operation. After the operation, you forget everything that belongs to the person you love. The memories, the feeling of love… everything.”

Baekhyun’s mouth fell open. 

How should he supposed to feel about it? The only way he’d survive is to forget the man who once gave him life when he was in deep. Forgetting all the great memories with the sad ones… It meant going back to the start.

“And what if I don’t want to forget?” Baekhyun asked even though he knew the exact answer he would get from the doctor.

Sometimes you had to hear the truth from someone else’s mouth to believe. Because the imaginary facts you had built for yourself were sweeter than the real life.

“If you don’t get operated... the only way for a cure would be-“

“Him loving me back.” Baekhyun cut the doctor’s words, closing his eyes.

Once again, the ropes of his life belonged to someone else.

Baekhyun had given a pistol into Chanyeol’s hands and the decision whether he’d be dead or alive was Chanyeol’s to make.

“Usually chances are lower than the operation. Hanahaki is seen in situations where it is nearly impossible for love to get a response.” Doctor sighed looking at Baekhyun whose expression was impossible to read. “We still don’t know how the disease works so the best option for you is that you accept the operation.”

Baekhyun took a deep breath. How could someone make a decision about his own death? How can someone have that much power?

“Doctor, I want to remember.” For the first time since he entered the doctor’s office, his voice sounded this confident.

Baekhyun was hopeless, he was miserable. But it wasn’t Chanyeol that made him feel like this. He was drowning in his own sea of problems before meeting Chanyeol too.

Actually, Chanyeol’s existence in his life during the past two years had given Baekhyun more happiness than the rest of his life. Even though the last couple of months weren’t all rainbows and butterflies, still, the dream of Chanyeol’s face gave Baekhyun strength.

“To remember him means dying, be rational please.” The doctor rolled his eyes, shaking his head in disapproval as he looked at Baekhyun.

“Love is never rational, doctor.” Baekhyun mumbled before standing up. He looked at doctor in the eyes. “Erasing sad memories sounds perfect, right?” Baekhyun asked with a bitter smile on his face. He was smiling but behind that smile, laid the agony. Taking a deep breath, Baekhyun continued.

“But if I do that, I believe, I’ll erase happy memories as well. Because aren’t the happiest moments always hidden inside the sad ones?”

Baekhyun left the doctor’s office without waiting for an answer. 

Because he had already made his decision. He wanted to die remembering the happy memories of him and Chanyeol.

____

When Baekhyun got back from the doctor’s office and closed the door, he crouched down on the floor. Suddenly, he felt as if his knees couldn’t carry the weight of his body anymore.

In a second, reality hit him like a truck. He was _dying._

He felt his breath catch in his throat, he gripped his neck, nails digging in his skin.

He was _suffocating._

Tears fell down on his cheeks, eyes burned by the savory liquid. He tried to steady his breathing for a while before leaning against the door. The cold material relieved him for a second, soothing his aching back.

Baekhyun took out his phone. He opened the contact list and went through the names until his eyes glued on one particular number.

_Mother._

Taking a deep breath, he deliberated with himself on whether it was the right thing to do.

He hasn’t seen his mother since the second year of university, when he was caught with his boyfriend by her mother.

Baekhyun never had the perfect family but he was always proud of having a perfect mother. His father had left them when Baekhyun was only a baby. And his mother did everything to raise Baekhyun perfectly.

She would work double shifts, she would be exhausted at the end of the day. But still, he was the best mother a child could have. She was always there for Baekhyun, she did everything just to make sure Baekhyun didn’t feel the lack of his father.

She tried everything to fill the gap in Baekhyun’s heart.

However, everything started going downhill in university. 

First, it was when Baekhyun chose to enter the Arts and Design Department. Even though his mother supported his talent towards painting, she believed it should’ve remained as a hobby because she knew earning one’s life through art works wasn’t that easy.

That was their first conflict throughout all their life. But the second time was the worst.

Baekhyun’s mother knew that Baekhyun was different all her life. But she never wanted to admit to herself.

When she caught him with a boy in university, it felt like the last drop. It felt like all her effort, all the pain went to waste. She felt as if she hadn't managed to raise him right.

Actually, it was neither of their fault. Her mother knew that there wasn’t a right or wrong when it came to things like this. But still she couldn’t help but feel disappointed.

After a big fight, Baekhyun felt lost. The only person that should love him without any condition was now disappointed in him.

But how could he give up on who he is?

Baekhyun realized he couldn’t give up on his through character, therefore he gave up on his family. He turned his back to his mother and they haven’t talked in years. An empty part remained inside him throughout the years but Baekhyun was too swollen with pride to call her after the things she had said to him.

The same for her mother, both of them couldn’t swallow their pride to call one another.

But this time, Baekhyun forgot all about it when he pressed the call button.

Once again, he was lost and alone. Suddenly everything was so real.

“Baekhyun?” He heard his mother’s voice from the other side of the speaker. And it was enough to make him burst into crying.

“Mom.” He mumbled through tears. “I am dying.”

**Spring, 2019**

Chanyeol left Baekhyun’s apartment with an uneasy heart.

Both of them went too far with the fight and the fire got bigger in no time.

As he walked down the street, alone, he was still in a state of shock about what had happened earlier. His mind was still processing everything and the more he realized things, the more his breath caught in his throat.

Thinking about the last couple of months, Chanyeol knew he wasn’t being the kindest man on earth. But since last year, he realized how Baekhyun made him feel, Chanyeol had no choice but to put a distance between himself and Baekhyun. 

His desire to spend some time with Baekhyun was so strong that Chanyeol knew what would follow after.

Chanyeol’s heart belonged to someone else and he wanted things to stay like that. But the idea of being with Baekhyun was so tempting that Chanyeol started hating how weak it made him feel.

It started out of ignoring Baekhyun for a while to get his mind together. However, as it got harder, Chanyeol’s heart filled with anger.

The anger was more towards himself.

If he loved Kyungsoo so much, why does being with Baekhyun sound so tempting? He was angry at himself for having a weak heart and not being sure of what to do. But as more time passed, his anger directed towards Baekhyun.

How could someone make him feel like this? Like every time he saw Baekhyun, he felt weak in the knees. His heart started beating quickly and his mouth felt dry.

How about Kyungsoo though? His unrequited love remained in his mind like an unsolved puzzle. 

His mind became a mess with time. Chanyeol knew the only way of getting his life together was by staying away from Byun Baekhyun.

And he managed to do so, he managed to make up excuses every time Baekhyun called. Except this time, he accepted it because Baekhyun didn’t take no for an answer. 

Since he didn’t want to be alone with Baekhyun, he decided to go there with Kyungsoo, not knowing what was about to happen.

And now he was walking down a street alone with a headache and a broken heart. 

Everything happened so fast, even Chanyeol didn’t know if he meant all those words. His mind was a mess, he didn’t know what to do.

But there was no stepping back now, he had to stick to his words.

____

It’s been a couple of weeks since Chanyeol went to Baekhyun’s house. And it became unbearable to see him around since then. 

But lately, Baekhyun wasn’t around.

Chanyeol heard that he was on leave for a couple of days because of health issues but he didn’t have the courage to call him to ask what was going on.

After an alone lunch break, Chanyeol returned to the office and saw Baekhyun.

Was Baekhyun always this small?

Chanyeol couldn’t help but stare at the man.

Baekhyun looked paler than ever, he was definitely thinner than before too.

Chanyeol wanted to go up and ask him but he couldn’t do it. Instead, he went to his desk and sat down without realizing Baekhyun was there to take his belongings.

Chanyeol looked through some files, wrote a short report about a presentation that an intern prepared the other day. He did everything to avoid Baekhyun’s presence.

But suddenly, Byun Baekhyun was standing right in front of him with an envelope in his tiny hands. He had a bitter smile on his face and it was the first time Chanyeol saw his misery from this close.

Baekhyun seemed lifeless. His eyes were blank. 

“Here.” He placed the envelope on Chanyeol’s desk. “Please give this to Mr. Kim.”

Chanyeol took the envelope to examine. It was a resignation letter. Chanyeol’s eyes widened with surprise, he wanted to ask the reason. But instead, he nodded and mumbled.

“Okay.”

“Take good care Chanyeol. Good luck with Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun’s voice was low but his words weren’t forced. Because Baekhyun’s affection for Chanyeol was so obvious, the name Kyungsoo should’ve been forced out. But instead, Baekhyun’s words were filled with sincerity.

“I-“ Chanyeol started his words. He wanted to apologize. And he would if he knew that would be one of the few last times he’ll see him. But he couldn’t do it. 

“Take care, Baekhyun.”

**Spring, 2020**

Baekhyun stood in front of the blank canvas with a brush between his fingers. He slowly dipped the brush into a dark red color and started painting the canvas.

“Baekhyun! Dinner is ready!” He heard his mother calling him but he had just started painting so he ignored her.

It’s been a whole year, a whole year without seeing Chanyeol.

A lot has changed during this year. After he informed his mother and friends, they insisted that he quit his job to focus on better things, things he loves, like painting.

So Baekhyun did as he was told. He handed his resignation letter into Chanyeol’s hands and returned to the only place where he felt in peace; in front of his canvas.

Painting helped him, it soothed him and relieved his pain. Even though he couldn’t talk to Chanyeol about his feelings, he had his canvas to express his emotions.

Throughout last year, he started communicating through his art. His paintings became more vivid than before. He wanted to show his unrequited love through them, he painted flowers. Flowers with different colors, flowers with different sizes… like the ones growing in his lungs, like the ones he threw up on sick mornings.

“Baekhyun-ah, you should eat.” Once again, his mother called but Baekhyun left it unanswered.

He had lost his appetite a while ago.

Actually, he had lost many things during this one year.

Doctors said that he was getting worse and he should’ve accepted the operation. And maybe they were right but Baekhyun still refused the idea.

Last year hasn't been easy on Baekhyun. 

Some nights he couldn’t sleep because of the pain and some mornings he woke up with bloody flower petals in his mouth that were about to suffocate him.

He was in the last stage of the disease, the flowers were everywhere. The doctors said that he might need a respirator to breathe soon. 

But Baekhyun was okay with it, he was living his last days peacefully with his mother at his side.

After he called his mother while he was in a shock state because of the sudden news, his mother came right away. Soon, he moved out from his small apartment to live with his mother.

Living with her was the best decision he could have made because lately his body was also weakened. He couldn’t stand up on his feet for long. 

“Baekhyun.” His mother placed her hands on Baekhyun’s shoulder and turned him around to face each other. “It’s time for dinner.”

“I know.” Baekhyun mumbled while he looked back on his canvas for a second before placing down his brush. “I was painting.”

Baekhyun’s speaking also slowed down visibly, worrying his mother. His voice was low and hoarser than before.

“You can continue painting after dinner.” Ms. Byun smiled at his son before pulling him to the dinner table.

“I am not hungry.” Baekhyun protested like a child, shrugging his shoulders. But he knew his mother wouldn’t let him slide without eating a meal.

“You should eat something before you get your medicine.” His mother said, before accompanying him to the table.

Right when they were about to start their dinner, the doorbell rang. It was weird since they didn’t expect anybody. His friends never made unannounced visits too. 

“You start eating your food. I’ll go look.” Ms. Byun left the table and a second after Baekhyun heard the sound of the door opening.

For a while all Baekhyun could hear was muffled noises but then he heard his mother yelling to the person in front of the door.

“Leave immediately!” His mother sounded angry which made Baekhyun curious. He stood up to see who was the person that caused this.

But then a second later, he heard that familiar voice.

“Please, I want to talk to him.”

Baekhyun almost ran to the door, his heart beating like crazy.

“Chanyeol?” Baekhyun asked while looking at the tall figure of Chanyeol, standing in front of his door.

Baekhyun stared at him for a while because he wasn’t able to speak. He didn’t know what to feel.

There were so many emotions mixed together, everything was crashing into each other. It felt as if Baekhyun’s life was so mundane for the last one year and now so many emotions, so many colors came to him at once when he saw Chanyeol.

He was happy to see him again but he was angry at the same time. He was excited but also frustrated, why did he come after all those months?

Baekhyun had accepted the truth, he tried to move on. How could Chanyeol have the audacity to show up now?

What was Baekhyun supposed to feel?

Suffocating.

Baekhyun felt like suffocating with all the emotions crashing each other inside him. He placed his hand on his chest, trying to catch his breath but his lungs failed him again.

He coughed with all his strength that was left in his body, he coughed until his lungs burned with pain.

Once again, Chanyeol set him on fire.

But Baekhyun _liked_ burning in his love flames.

Chanyeol ran towards Baekhyun to hold his petite body steady, placing his arms around the smaller.

As Baekhyun coughed, he tried so hard not to let the flowers petals out. But he failed as a blood covered purple statice petal fell down onto Chanyeol’s shoulder, leaving a red stain on his shirt.

“Baekhyun, I- I am so-“ Baekhyun placed his index finger on Chanyeol’s lips, shushing him softly.

“Stop.” Baekhyun mumbled, a soft smile covered his lips. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Chanyeol helped Baekhyun stand on his feet and stepped back, eyes glued on the floor. The guilt he felt could be seen through his face but Baekhyun chose not to stare at it.

Baekhyun was _dying_.

There wasn’t any point in bringing up the bad memories or fighting.

Baekhyun wanted to live his last moments in peace.

“Mother, can you excuse us? For a day only?” Baekhyun turned towards his mother, a smile playing on his lips. He looked at her with pleading eyes, eyebrows arched up like a puppy.

Baekhyun knew his mother couldn’t say no to him.

“Call me if anything happens and I’ll be on my way.” His mother sighed, rolling his eyes at his son’s request.

Even though she didn’t want to leave Baekhyun with the man who caused nothing but trouble to his son, she still couldn’t protest against Baekhyun. Because she knew, his son wanted to see him.

Lately, it was always Chanyeol that he talked about. And she knew Baekhyun had missed the taller. 

Ms. Byun took his purse and left the house, leaving the two alone.

“You always surprise me.” Baekhyun chuckled, sparkles forming in his eyes as he looked at Chanyeol.

“I got your new address from Junmyeon. I saw him in the coffee shop… and I’ve been wondering...”

“I didn’t ask for an explanation, did I?” Baekhyun walked towards the living room, where the dinner for two waited. “Your timing is perfect, as always.” 

Chanyeol followed him behind, examining his small figure but not making any comments. Baekhyun was aware of the shock state Chanyeol was in, but he prefered not hearing anything about his sickness.

“Don’t you want to know why I came?” Chanyeol asked while helping Baekhyun sit down on the table.

“No. The important thing is you came and you are here.” Baekhyun looked at Chanyeol with big eyes and a pout on his lips. “Will you stay the night, right?”

“I am not sure Baekhyun, I don’t want to give you trouble.” Chanyeol took a seat across Baekhyun, playing with his fingers while eyes still glued on the floor. “I just came to check on you.”

“Stay, please.” Baekhyun mumbled and his voice was so soft as he was demanding. Chanyeol had left with no choice but to accept the offer.

It was silent for the next couple of minutes. Baekhyun picked on his dinner without making any sound and Chanyeol stared at the floor, not having the courage to look up. 

On the other hand, Baekhyun’s eyes were always on the latter. As if he was trying to memorize his face, his moves… Baekhyun wanted to remember him, in case of not being able to see him for long.

Baekhyun’s rounded eyes wandered around Chanyeol’s body. His shoulders were still broad and Baekhyun couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel to place his head on them while sleeping in Chanyeol’s arms.

“You started painting again.” Chanyeol looked up after staring at the ground for so long. His words came out as a statement rather than a question after seeing the canvases all around the room.

“Yes, yes I did.” Baekhyun answered vividly, enthusiastically. Maybe it was the first time for Baekhyun that he felt so alive after what had happened last year.

His unrequited love for Chanyeol caused the flowers in his lungs. 

But still Baekhyun cared for them as if they were a bouquet given to him by Chanyeol himself.

After all those things that happened, Baekhyun still yearned for Chanyeol’s love.

Looking at Chanyeol, Baekhyun still felt like the very first time he saw him at the coffee shop. Chanyeol was just his type; he made Baekhyun feel things that he never felt before. And dying was just a simple detail on the way.

“I love them.” It was the first time that Chanyeol’s face was welcoming a smile since he came to see Baekhyun. Maybe it was out of guilt, maybe it was because smiling felt so mean after seeing the conditions Baekhyun is in… but Chanyeol refused to smile for a while until he saw Baekhyun’s paintings.

“I love you.” Baekhyun chuckled, looking right into Chanyeol’s eyes. The taller’s cheeks were slightly pink because of the sudden words but Baekhyun liked it.

At least, the reason for his suffering looked good.

“Baekhyun...” Chanyeol opened his mouth. Probably to protest Baekhyun’s words. But Baekhyun shushed him again.

“You don’t have to answer.” Baekhyun put on a smile, but it wasn’t a sincere one this time.

Because he lied. He wanted to hear from Chanyeol’s lips, he wanted to hear those three words.

“Do you want to drink wine?” Baekhyun asked to change the mood.

Baekhyun hasn’t been drinking lately, because of his sickness. But he wanted to drink tonight.

Because he didn’t know if he could fight the pain sober.

Being with Chanyeol was complicated. Baekhyun loved to suffer. But still, he was afraid the life Chanyeol had given him would fade again with his farewell.

Baekhyun knew he couldn’t make Chanyeol stay forever. 

Therefore, it pained him to think about the aftermath.

After their farewell, Baekhyun would be a lonely soul again.

____

It was a couple bottles of wine later, with Chanyeol drinking the most, the two laid on the couch. Baekhyun was finally in the place he wanted to be; in Chanyeol’s arms, his head on his broad shoulders. It was just like how Baekhyun imagined it to be.

It was Baekhyun who insisted Chanyeol for a hug. Things went a little far as they ended up on the couch in front of tv, watching a romance movie.

Actually it was Chanyeol that was watching the movie. Baekhyun was busy staring at Chanyeol’s face instead of the tv screen.

“Chanyeol?” Baekhyun looked up to see his face more clearly, placing his elbows on Chanyeol’s chest to support himself.

“Hm?” The taller mumbled, after all the wine he drank, his breath smelled alcohol.

“Can I kiss you?” Baekhyun asked which made the taller jump in surprise.

Chanyeol gently pushed Baekhyun, making him rise on his knees. Taller’s eyes widened, he stared at Baekhyun’s eyes in pure shock as he straightened up on the couch. 

“What? Baekhyun-” It felt like Chanyeol was sobered up in a minute after hearing Baekhyun’s words.

“We never talked about it... but it’s obvious. Isn’t it?” Baekhyun sat up on the couch, lowering his gaze on the floor. His shoulders fell down, he continued without looking at Chanyeol. “I am dying.”

“Baekhyun what are you-”

Baekhyun cut Chanyeol’s words again. He didn’t want to keep this conversation up for too long.

“We both know it. And we can’t help it.” Baekhyun sighed softly, finally lifting his head up to look at the taller. 

“I don’t want to leave this world without tasting you once.” Baekhyun chuckled almost shyly. Looking at Chanyeol, his cheeks were already red.

Baekhyun felt blood rushing to his face, suddenly his body was shaken with a warm feeling.

“It’s silly isn’t it? My last wish is to get laid?” Baekhyun forced himself to laugh but Chanyeol could see the pain under his words.

Accepting your own faith, your own death was indeed a heavy weight for Baekhyun’s petite shoulders. But in his last moments, he wanted to forget all the hard decisions he had to make.

In his last moments, Baekhyun wanted to be _happy_.

Chanyeol stared at the smaller for a long minute. He didn’t answer. He couldn’t speak. His mouth fell open. But before his mind could process the situation, he found himself rising on his knees to lean over Baekhyun.

The scene in front of him was overwhelming for Baekhyun. His long time love was only an inch away from him.

The smell of alcohol coming from Chanyeol’s breath was making Baekhyun dizzy. He could feel his body covered in heat as the taller came closer.

Baekhyun closed his eyes right when their lips met.

Fireworks.

It felt like fireworks lighting up a dark night. 

As if Baekhyun was at his favorite beach at night time. The weather was warm but the occasional summer breezes stroked his skin, making him get goose bumps.

The moonlight reflected on the sea. And up in the air, colorful fireworks lit up the endless dark sky.

That’s how kissing Park Chanyeol felt.

Baekhyun felt a pair of strong arms embracing his body, slowly lifting him as their lips broke apart.

Chanyeol took Baekhyun in his arms, standing up on his feet before slowly walking towards the hallway.

Their lips crashed into each other again for small, hasty kisses, bursting with need... Baekhyun wrapped his arms around Chanyeol’s neck on the way.

Chanyeol laid the smaller on his bed, leaned over him gently as he supported himself on his right elbow.

“You sure?” Chanyeol asked, lips only an inch apart from Baekhyun’s. Their eyes met, Baekhyun nodded his head, his heart shook, overwhelmed

Baekhyun could hear his heart beating loudly in his chest. His body was burning with need. But he was nervous. The way Chanyeol was looking at him gave Baekhyun goosebumps.

Was he ready? Baekhyun tried to ask himself. But the answer laid beneath his body. In the way his skin burned with pleasure and the way his legs trembled with hunger… 

Baekhyun was ready.

“I’ll be gentle.” Chanyeol mumbled before leaning over to place soft pecks on Baekhyun’s neck.

With every touch of Chanyeol, Baekhyun rose up to heaven. Every part of his body burned with Chanyeol’s touch like he was hungry for it.

It’s been a long time since Baekhyun was touched by someone. And maybe it was the reason why his body was so sensitive. Maybe that’s why he felt so intuned with everything in that moment, the air, the tension, the lingering touch of Chanyeol’s lips.

Laying his head aside, Baekhyun made room for Chanyeol. The taller was gentle with every move like he promised and Baekhyun couldn’t ask for more.

It wasn’t quick and forced kisses that were spread around his neck and collar bones, Baekhyun could feel the need and lust in every touch, as it spread throughout his entire body, somehow relieving the pressure in his chest from the flower petals.

Chanyeol helped Baekhyun take his shirt and pants off before working on his.

As the taller took his clothes off and displayed his godly body, Baekhyun took his time to appreciate it. Chanyeol was indeed working out. His broad shoulders and thick arms were definitely looked like a reward for his hard work. His defined abs lit Baekhyun’s fire, left him wanting more of his great body.

On the other hand, Baekhyun had lost weight during the one last year. Instead of his defined muscles, his ribs were visible on his chest. His waist was so thin, Baekhyun seemed like he could break down to pieces any moment.

Nevertheless, Chanyeol’s eyes lightened up as he stared at Baekhyun. As if the flaws he had on his body were beautiful.

It gave Baekhyun butterflies in the stomach, to receive admiration from the way Chanyeol looked at him. 

Both of them took their time to memorize every single part of their body before Chanyeol laid on the bed again.

Everything felt slowed motion for Baekhyun, the way Chanyeol stroked his skin and the way he kissed his lips. His tiny hands roamed around in Chanyeol’s body, closing his eyes, he didn’t want to forget how their skin felt on top of each other.

Nothing ever felt this good.

“ _Chanyeol_.” Baekhyun gasped the name he yearned for, he kept calling the name he had missed the most.

Baekhyun was in the most vulnerable state, he was defenseless. He let down all his walls to take Chanyeol in.

And he couldn’t help but let his real emotions that he buried deep down in his heart take over the control.

“I don’t want to die.”

Freeze.

Chanyeol was frozen in place.

For a whole minute, the silence captured the room. Nobody moved, no one even breathed, no sounds other than the flower petals swirling in Baekhyun’s lungs.

Two of them laid down on the bed, semi naked, their bodies heating each other.

None of them had the courage to say something.

Baekhyun felt naked. But not because he didn’t have his clothes on. Because he showed Chanyeol his true feelings.

“Don’t think about it.” Finally Chanyeol spoke but the words were forced out. Baekhyun could feel the taller’s lips trembling as they touched his skin. “Let’s not think about tomorrow.”

Baekhyun nodded, closed his eyes, and gave in.

His hands climbed up on Chanyeol’s body, touching his skin.

Baekhyun always wondered how it would feel; to touch Chanyeol, to taste him…

Chanyeol’s touches were so soft and gentle as his hands lifted Baekhyun up slightly to go under it. Taller’s hands wandered around Baekhyun’s bare back, steadying themselves on his hips before sliding his underwear down.

The cold air hit Baekhyun’s hard on, his cheeks painted red as he was now fully naked in front of Chanyeol.

The taller gripped Baekhyun’s member softly, stroking it slowly, sensually. Baekhyun’s head fell backwards, muffled moans leaving his mouth. 

“I want to feel you.” Baekhyun looked at Chanyeol with hair messed up and face flushed.

Chanyeol didn’t answer. Instead of talking, he slipped down his underwear, throwing it on the floor. He laid down next to the smaller, his right hand roamed around Baekhyun’s body. Baekhyun’s skin felt so soft under his touch, as if it was a precious work of art.

“Do you have a lube? I don’t want to hurt you…” Chanyeol mumbled while leaving soft pecks on Baekhyun’s shoulders.

“In the drawer.” Baekhyun pointed towards the drawer that stood by Chanyeol’s side. The taller leaned towards it, took out a bottle of lube with a pack of condoms without questioning why Baekhyun had some in the first place.

He dipped two fingers inside the bottle, spreading the cold liquid on his fingers. Chanyeol looked up to the smaller before leaning down to capture his lips. The kiss was sweet and soothing. As their lips moved against each other, Chanyeol slipped one finger through Baekhyun’s tight hole.

Baekhyun grabbed Chanyeol’s hair, pulling the strands on the back. Feeling Chanyeol’s small movements inside of him was both disturbing and delightsome. Baekhyun’s eyes were shut, his mouth slightly apart to let Chanyeol’s tongue enter his wet cavern.

Their tongues danced with the perfect combination of lust and need. Their sweaty bodies grinding on each other whenever Baekhyun jolted his hips against Chanyeol’s finger with pleasure.

Soon Chanyeol slipped another finger in which was welcomed with a twitch, Baekhyun’s body wriggled under his touch as his fingers pumped in and out with a slow pace.

“Are you okay?” Chanyeol broke their kiss to ask the smaller, his warm breath hit Baekhyun’s face.

“Yes.” Baekhyun gasped through some muffled moans, feeling his tensed muscles relax with Chanyeol’s every move. “It feels so good.” 

Chanyeol chuckled as he leaned over to steal another kiss. Baekhyun stroked Chanyeol’s cheek with his one hand as the other continued roaming around his hair.

Baekhyun whined when Chanyeol pulled out his fingers. It felt cold and empty.

The smaller watched as Chanyeol placed a condom on his hard on, stroking it slowly before fixing it on Baekhyun’s entrance.

With gentle force, slowly, Chanyeol pushed his member inside Baekhyun’s tight holes making the smaller’s body arch under him. After a few sloppy movements, their bodies gained a steady rhythm. Baekhyun let out a hoarse moan when Chanyeol’s member hit a bundle of nerves inside him, finding his sweet spot. 

Noises of their sweaty bodies hitting each other mixed with their moans filled with lust. Chanyeol let out a moan out of the pleasure of Baekhyun’s tight hole clenching around his aroused hard on.

Baekhyun’s moans turned into screams as Chanyeol kept hitting his sweet spot. Their lips crashed together once again, this time with need.

They held onto each other desperately, tongues uniting together as their wet and plump lips moved with the same rhythm of their body.

Baekhyun could feel his body going numb, his body was shaken with pleasure under Chanyeol.

“I- I can’t hold it in anymore.” Baekhyun stuttered out as he broke their kiss.

Chanyeol’s hand grabbed Baekhyun’s throbbing hard on, stroking it slowly while placing hasty kisses on his collar bones.

Baekhyun went over the edge as Chanyeol speeded up his pace, hitting his prostate again and again. Tears formed on smaller’s eyes as he kept getting closer to his climax.

“You don’t have to hold it in, baby.” Chanyeol mumbled through Baekhyun’s skin, his face buried in Baekhyun’s neck. 

Baekhyun’s body clenched as he forced himself to lift his hips towards Chanyeol’s with the last beats of power left in his body right before releasing his warm seeds between their torsos. His hole tightened even more around Chanyeol and Baekhyun whined with the precision given by his arrival. 

Chanyeol sped up with one last powerful attempt, letting out muffled moans. It didn’t take him long before releasing inside Baekhyun. His tall body plopped down onto Baekhyun’s, their bodies sticky and breathes caught in their throat.

Baekhyun smiled as he closed his eyes slowly, feeling Chanyeol’s gentle touch around his body caressing him softly.

It was magical. There wasn’t a definition for how Baekhyun felt. The feeling inside him wasn’t earthly, it was magical.

____

Baekhyun woke up in the morning facing the cold and empty side of the bed.

Yesterday felt like a dream, like it never happened.

But Baekhyun knew by heart, the way Chanyeol made him feel, he remembered every detail.

He straightened up on bed, he was clean and dressed up. Probably Chanyeol helped him before leaving.

Baekhyun took a deep breath, he was now left alone with the flowers growing in his lungs. He sighed as he got off the bed, his face welcomed a smile no matter what had happened.

He had fulfilled his dream. He saw Chanyeol in his last moments.

Suddenly, Baekhyun heard footsteps coming from the living room. He walked up towards the door with quick steps.

His heart started beating up like crazy as he arrived at the living room. But his excitement died with the scene in front of him.

“Mom.” Baekhyun looked at his mother with something that felt like disappointment on his face. 

For a moment, he had hoped to see Chanyeol in the living room instead of his mother.

Even though Baekhyun was happy to fulfill his dream, he still hoped to see the taller around.

Baekhyun felt heartbroken over Chanyeol once again, despite hiding his true emotions behind happy thoughts. 

“Chanyeol called me from your phone.” His mother looked up from the table where she was preparing breakfast. “I came as soon as I could.”

“He called?” Baekhyun asked while walking towards his mother to help her. 

“He said he needed to go to work.” Ms. Byun explained while unboxing a bento box bought from Baekhyun’s favorite convenience store. “I bought your favorite. Rice with pickled dried ume, omelette roll with stir fried veggies and-“

“Spicy fried chicken.” Baekhyun completed his mother’s sentence.

As he looked at his mother with blank eyes, he didn’t make any efforts to hide the sorrow.

As always, Chanyeol was the one who colored his life. And with his farewell, Baekhyun was left lifeless again.

“What happened last night?” His mother asked with curiosity in her eyes, after seeing his son so down like this.

Throughout the last year, she was used to seeing her son so lifeless like this. But still it hurt her deeply, watching her son dying in her hands. 

When Baekhyun called him, crying on the other side of the phone, a part of her died with the news of his son’s sickness. 

But when she saw Baekhyun last night, when she saw the light in his face with Chanyeol’s arrival, she couldn’t help but find a little hope in this little situation. 

A small part of her believed Chanyeol could cure his son.

Therefore she begged Chanyeol on the phone, she begged for him to stay a little more.

But Chanyeol said he _couldn’t_.

The only hope for Baekhyun flew away just like that.

“Nothing.” Baekhyun mumbled incoherently, eyes glued down on the table since he didn’t have the courage to look his mother in the eyes.

Ms. Byun didn’t pressure Baekhyun, humming softly as she took the hint to not question him anymore.

Suddenly Baekhyun’s phone rang from the bedroom where he had left it, filling his chest with sudden excitement once again.

Could it be _Chanyeol_?

However, when he arrived at his bedroom to pick up the phone, he saw that there wasn’t a caller ID. It was an unknown number which made his excitement die down inside him once again.

“Hello?” He accepted the call, placing the phone on his ear as he sat down on the bed. Walking around between the rooms made him tired.

“Good morning, am I talking with Byun Baekhyun?” The unfamiliar voice asked.

“Yes… Who am I talking to?” Baekhyun asked confused, unable to recognize the voice.

“It’s Zhang Yixing, art-”

“Oh my god.” Baekhyun cut the man’s words right away. He knew who Zhang Yixing was.

He was a Chinese art curator that worked with the most famous museums all around the world. Recently, Baekhyun heard that Zhang Yixing had opened an art gallery with other fellow art dealers around the world in South Korea. And now he was working as a gallerist for his own place.

“I- I am sorry. I just recognized your name and I was surprised…” Baekhyun mumbled, his heart beating like crazy.

He adored that man, the art works he brought to exclusive galleries for various exhibitions were really valuable pieces. He was highly known for helping unknown artists grow bigger.

“Cute.” Yixing said with a coo and Baekhyun widened his eyes with surprise.

Did the famous art curator Zhang Yixing just call him cute?

“A friend of mine sent me your contact number along with some of your works. I must say I was pretty amazed by them.” When Yixing continued his words, Baekhyun felt his heart beating so hard that he was afraid it could rip his chest apart.

He just got a compliment from a famous art curator.

“Who- I mean…”

“Park Chanyeol.” As soon as Yixing told the name, a lump formed on Baekhyun’s throat.

Once again, he couldn’t find the strength to speak with the mention of his name.

When did he even do it? “Anyways,” The art curator continued. “I’d like to save you a spot in the next exhibition that my gallery is hosting.” 

“A spot? F-For me?” Baekhyun stuttered out, he was overwhelmed with so much excitement that he could forget how to speak at any moment.

Finally, he was going to get the recognition he wanted as an artist.

He wasn’t going to die before seeing his artworks displayed in a gallery. He wasn’t going to share the same destiny with Gogh or Toulouse.

“Yes. I am quite amazed by some of your works. They suit the exhibition theme too. There will be a couple of new artists along with you. We would need five piece at least. Do you think you can make it?”

“Yes!” Baekhyun exclaimed eagerly with his hand resting on his chest. He almost screamed because of his excitement and happiness.

Once again, it was Chanyeol who helped him smile even though he hadn’t stayed to see it.

“Great. My assistant will send you the details. Exhibition is in three weeks but there will be a soft opening three days before the grand opening.”

“I’ll be waiting for further information. I- Thank you very much. I feel blessed.” Baekhyun blabbered through the phone, not being sure what to say since he was talking with a famous person and the famous person was offering him the biggest deal of his life.

“There will be a sale by auction. So you can sell your work if you wish. See you soon, Baekhyun. It’s nice to meet you.”

“The pleasure belongs to me, Mr. Zhang. Again, I offer you my gratitude.”

“Don’t be so formal, I liked your surprised voice more.” Older man chuckled through the phone before he hung up, leaving Baekhyun sitting on the bed in pure shock.

Baekhyun’s lips hurt from smiling so wide, he just couldn’t close his mouth. The way Chanyeol interfered with his life always managed to amaze Baekhyun. It seemed like Park Chanyeol brought luck into Baekhyun’s life.

And while living the peak of his life, Baekhyun didn’t mind dying because of the flowers that Chanyeol had given him.

____

Baekhyun stood in the corner of the room where his paintings were displayed as he watched people come and go.

It’s been a week and it was the last day of the exhibition. And still there wasn’t any sight of Chanyeol around.

Baekhyun had tried to call him numerous times. At first he called him to say thank you, then it was to say he missed the taller. But his calls were left unanswered all the time.

No matter how much Baekhyun tried to reach him, Chanyeol never answered.

Once again, Baekhyun’s heart sank into his sea of demons.

His mother and friends came to visit him every day, Junmyeon and Minseok even bought one of his paintings to display in the coffee shop they owned.

Actually, all of his paintings were sold. He had met the new owners of his paintings except for one but Yixing had told him that the owner would come by eventually to talk with Baekhyun. Therefore, he waited.

The exhibition made him grow tired more than he had expected. He was holding onto the fact that it was the last day.

Other than that, his legs were trembling with each walk he went with different customers or art critics. All Baekhyun wished was to get some rest.

Recently his lungs were killing him. It was always the pain on his chest that woke him up in the middle of the night.

The flowers were growing and lately, they were everywhere. On his pillow case, inside the bathroom sink… Baekhyun kept throwing up flower petals.

The way that an irony laid beneath Hanahaki disease killed him whenever he thought about it. The one person he loved, the one person that made his heart skip a beat had never given flowers to him before. Therefore, Baekhyun had planted his own flowers inside his lungs.

Baekhyun had always been told that the plants needed love to grow, just like humans. He remembered how his mother talked with the flowers in front of their window every day when he was a child.

But Baekhyun’s flowers grow because of the lack of love, because the one person he longed for didn’t answer his feelings.

The flowers Chanyeol planted inside Baekhyun weren’t meant to make one happy, they were meant to kill Baekhyun.

And Baekhyun accepted his own death only because it came from the hands of Chanyeol, the man he loved unconditionally.

“Baekhyun.” He heard his name called by Yixing who was standing in front of that one piece which Baekhyun didn’t know the person that bought it.

Baekhyun walked towards the famous art curator, his legs were all wobbly, his bones flimsy from standing up for too long. He felt tired as if the weight of the whole last month was now on his shoulders.

“Yes.” Baekhyun answered, his voice came off hoarser than ever. 

Baekhyun coughed softly, not wanting to disturb the few people around. It was enough to clear his throat.

“I wanted to congratulate you for the hard work you put through this exhibition. We are officially in the last hour of the exhibition.” As the older man talked, Baekhyun could only nod with a half smile on his face. 

He was really tired and there was a lump in his throat since the morning. How matter how much he tried to swallow it, how much he tried to relieve his lungs— he couldn’t.

“Thank you.” Baekhyun forced out the words. His effort could be seen through his acts and it was worrying for everybody around him.

“The owner of this painting just came. I told him you’d be here. I’ll leave you two alone.” Yixing patted Baekhyun on the shoulder, a little worried when his hand met with nothing but a piece of bone as he touched Baekhyun.

Baekhyun grew thinner and thinner everyday.

He opened his mouth to say something but he couldn’t. Instead, he nodded softly before the older man left him alone with his thoughts.

Baekhyun turned around to face his painting. It was on a 48x72 canvas, the biggest one of his works and he really stood out from the others.

The half of the canvas was painted a dull gray color while the other half had different tones of blue. The different tones of the color blue were painted in various flower petal shapes but overall it resembled a sea.

Baekhyun’s sea of emotions created by the flowers in his lungs.

In the middle of the two colors, there was a koi fish swimming against the flow.

Just like Baekhyun who couldn’t reach the finish line but still didn’t give up on his fight against the flow.

“Your painting manages to amaze me everytime.”

Baekhyun froze in his place as soon as the familiar velvety voice filled his ears. He couldn’t dare to turn back to face the owner who he knew by heart.

He heard slow footsteps coming towards him, making his body tremble. Baekhyun’s mouth fell open but he felt as if he had lost his ability to speak. Not a word left his mouth.

“I messed up, didn’t I?” When Baekhyun turned his head a little right, he saw the tall figure of Chanyeol staring at him with regret. “I let you down, again. I left you when you needed me the most.”

Baekhyun knew he had to answer. He had to say something.

He wanted to hug Chanyeol one last time, he wanted to reassure him that it was okay to make mistakes.

Baekhyun wanted to say it was okay because he still loved Chanyeol.

But when he opened his mouth, the only thing came out was a red rose petal followed by bloody coughs.

As always, Baekhyun had waited to hear those three words from Chanyeol’s lips. But even if he couldn’t hear the rest Chanyeol was about to say, it was okay.

Because he saw all the words he wished to hear in Chanyeol’s eyes.

It was okay to give up on his fight. He had waited enough.

Chanyeol was finally here.

As he kneeled down, Baekhyun could hear Chanyeol crying out his name. He could hear the footsteps of other people. He felt two strong arms trying to lift his body as his eyelids fought with his brain to stay open.

He could smell Chanyeol’s familiar fragrance, he could feel his heartbeat underneath his chest where Baekhyun rested his head.

Chanyeol’s heavenly smell was enough to make Baekhyun dizzy.

As everything went silent, Baekhyun knew there was no point in fighting. And so, he closed his eyes slowly.

It was okay now.

It was okay because Chanyeol was here.

**Spring, 2020**

Chanyeol woke up with the sunlight piercing through Baekhyun’s curtains. He supported himself on his elbow as he watched Baekhyun sleeping soundly. The look on his face just melted Chanyeol’s heart, the pain expressed on his face reminded the tall man the reason he came to Baekhyun’s house.

The pain in Baekhyun’s eyes when he last saw him was the only thing that came in front of Chanyeol’s eyes throughout the whole year. Guilt swept over him.

Chanyeol had never wanted to come back into Baekhyun’s life again. The day he held Baekhyun’s retirement letter, the day he saw the agony behind Baekhyun’s bitter smile; Chanyeol promised himself not to bring sorrow into Baekhyun’s life again.

In the end, Chanyeol had other things to occupy his mind like his long time crush Kyungsoo. 

But throughout the last year, he and Kyungsoo didn’t seem to work out.

Chanyeol grew tired of chasing Neverland.

The past five years he had spent after that one person who never saw him the way Chanyeol did, Chanyeol finally started to see things.

His feelings towards Kyungsoo, it wasn’t love. It was nothing but an obsession.

Chanyeol just lied to himself for all these years, because he was afraid of getting hurt.

Almost a year after, when Chanyeol found himself inside the coffee shop where he met Baekhyun, he didn’t expect to discover the need growing inside him. He needed to see Baekhyun, he wanted to know how he was doing.

Therefore, when he heard that Baekhyun was not doing well from his friend Junmyeon, Chanyeol couldn’t help but visit him.

Last night was beautiful, like a dream.

But Chanyeol knew that even though how beautiful the night went, he had to leave in the morning. He couldn’t keep hurting Baekhyun.

Chanyeol thought his existence hurt Baekhyun but he just couldn’t realize the fact that even after all the sorrow they’ve been through; they still found comfort in each other’s presence.

Chanyeol stared at Baekhyun’s face for a while, memorising his features. His porcelain white skin glowed with the sunshine, his cherry lips apart. The taller took his time to watch Baekhyun.

The scene in front of him pained Chanyeol. It was all beautiful now, waking up next to him after tasting his cherry lips all night. But what _if_? He couldn’t help but remember Baekhyun’s words.

_“I’m dying…”_

Baekhyun’s voice echoed through Chanyeol’s mind, breaking his heart into pieces. What if he woke up one day and Baekhyun would be gone?

_Forever._

Chanyeol sat up slowly before leaving the room without making any sound. He walked towards the living room, sighing as his eyes locked on the wine bottles.

He felt desperate. He didn’t know what to do.

And the worst thing was that he never realized he has been lying to himself the whole time.

Because the reason why he wanted to leave wasn’t to protect Baekhyun from hurting. It was to protect himself from hurting.

When Chanyeol looked back in his life, the only thing he saw was his love crimes.

Once again, Chanyeol lied to himself.

Just one more time, he promised. It was the last time he was going to leave Baekhyun because there was no coming back.

To protect both of them, Chanyeol had to leave.

Right before leaving, Chanyeol’s eyes lingered on the canvases spread around the room. The feelings that were given him by the paintings. Everything was so overwhelming. He saw sorrow in every painting, in every color. Even though how vividly they looked, they pierced through Chanyeol’s heart with the hidden sorrow underneath them.

Beneath the lively colors, laid the darkness inside Baekhyun.

Even though there were endless, colorful flower petals on the paintings; even though they looked beautiful and lively, Chanyeol could see through them.

All the pain, all the sorrow Chanyeol put Baekhyun through was expressed on the canvases.

Maybe Chanyeol could help Baekhyun, for once, he wanted to give Baekhyun something nice. Something that would make him happy.

Chanyeol took a few photographs of the paintings.

Just like himself, Chanyeol wanted the rest of the world to remember Baekhyun.

He wanted Baekhyun to live through his art.

When Baekhyun’s petite body turned into soil, he would be still alive inside people’s hearts.

Again, Chanyeol escaped the pain. Once again, he lied to himself thinking that he could escape the sorrow.

But he would soon realize that no matter how much he ran, he couldn’t escape the memories.

The memories of the man who Chanyeol _loved_.

____

Chanyeol felt uncomfortable the moment he stepped inside the art gallery his friend was hosting.

It was the last day of the exhibition, the exhibition that he promised to himself that he wouldn’t go. It was almost the closing hour but Chanyeol was determined to see Baekhyun.

Last couple of weeks weren't easy. Escaping from the pain wasn’t the best idea when he realized that the pain never left even though he was miles away from Baekhyun. The pain remained deep in his heart, the sight of Baekhyun’s face never left in front of his eyes.

Chanyeol couldn’t deny the fact that he needed Baekhyun anymore. No matter how much he escaped the man’s presence, Chanyeol couldn’t help but fall for him.

But Chanyeol had been too caught up with his own life that he never realized the way he felt towards Baekhyun. Chanyeol tried too hard to ignore Baekhyun, he even got angry with the man because he thought Baekhyun was a threat to his relationship with Kyungsoo.

He tried to ignore Baekhyun, he denied his feelings, he tried everything. However, he couldn’t escape the reality.

And now that he acknowledged everything, it was too _late_.

Chanyeol walked up to the small room where Baekhyun’s artworks met with the audience.

He had already bought his favorite from the collection through the photographs Yixing had sent him. And now, they were standing in front of the painting Chanyeol owned.

For a while, Chanyeol just stared at Baekhyun silently. The way his shoulders were smaller from what he had remembered was a painful sight for Chanyeol.

After a second or two, his eyes locked on the big canvas standing in front of them. The scene expressed in the painting managed to put a smile on Chanyeol’s face. It was a koi fish swimming against the flow created by a sea of blue flower petals.

Koi fish often resembled good fortune in Japanese Culture. But the way Koi fish kept swimming against the flow actually represented the perseverance in adversity. Like Koi fishes, Baekhyun kept trying for his life even though everything went downhill for him.

Chanyeol liked how this painting represented Baekhyun’s life particularly. That’s why he bought this piece out of the others. Baekhyun was his koi wish that brought him good fortune.

However, Chanyeol’s existence only brought bad luck to Baekhyun.

Chanyeol was angry at himself for not noticing Baekhyun’s efforts sooner. 

Taking a deep breath, Chanyeol looked up at the painting one more time to gather his courage to speak.

“Your painting manages to amaze me every time.” Chanyeol’s sorrow and regret could be heard through his voice.

As soon as he spoke, Baekhyun froze in his place. 

Chanyeol walked up to the smaller, not daring to touch him. Maybe it was better if Baekhyun stayed put with his back turned towards Chanyeol. Because it was definitely easier to talk to him when Chanyeol didn’t see the pain in his rounded eyes.

Taking a shaky breath, Chanyeol waited for a while. But Baekhyun didn’t answer.

Although it hurt Chanyeol to see the latter like this, he knew he deserved everything. Chanyeol had messed up again and again.

And the way he showed up in the least expected times just made things worse.

How many times could he break Baekhyun’s heart? Chanyeol knew that the smaller’s heart has turned to dust after being broken for god knows how many times.

Maybe Chanyeol was selfish. He was selfish for coming back and hurting Baekhyun, always hurting him, over and over again. He kept breaking his promises, lying to himself that it was for Baekhyun.

Chanyeol was delusional. He never wanted to see the real reason behind his acts. He just fooled his own self.

And now, it was time to accept the truth.

“I messed up, didn’t I?” He mumbled while staring at Baekhyun, finally earning a painful look from him. They stared at each other for a while, numerous emotions passing through their eyes. 

“I let you down, again. I left you when you needed me the most.” Chanyeol said, his voice nowhere near confident.

Even if it was to say something bad, Chanyeol wanted to hear Baekhyun’s voice. 

Even now, Chanyeol was selfish, only thinking of his own needs.

He waited and waited to hear something from Baekhyun’s mind, but the words never came out. Instead Baekhyun coughed, a bloody, red rose petal floated in the air before making its way onto Chanyeol’s palm.

Blood followed the rose petals as the smaller kneeled down to cough more.

For a whole minute, Chanyeol was frozen in his place. He didn’t know what to do. His heart was beating like crazy.

What _if_ …

Chanyeol chased away the bad thoughts and held Baekhyun’s petite body in his arms. A tear fell on his cheek, Chanyeol didn’t even realize when he started to cry.

“Help!” Finally he screamed looking at the people gathered around him. “Why are you staring? Call an ambulance!” 

His knees felt weak, trembling with the fear of losing his love.

Chanyeol had only _now_ found his love. But he was too _late_ , wasn’t he?

“Baekhyun…” He whispered into Baekhyun’s ears through his sobbings. Baekhyun’s eyes were slowly closing and Chanyeol exactly knew the reason for it.

But no, he couldn’t die. Baekhyun couldn’t die.

Chanyeol had only _now_ found the love of his life.

“I love you.” He whispered, the lump in his throat making it hard to speak. “I love you. I love you. I love you…” He said again and again until Baekhyun’s eyelids stopped their fights.

Chanyeol was too _late_ , wasn’t he?

____

It’s been a week.

It’s been a week since Baekhyun went into a coma. 

Chanyeol never left the hospital room since then.

Even though he has been kicked out by Baekhyun’s mother and friends many times, he stayed.

He wanted to believe that Baekhyun would wake up. Chanyeol held onto the small possibility that Baekhyun would live, even though the doctors had said the opposite.

Today wasn’t any different than the past days, Chanyeol sat down next to Baekhyun’s bed after an hour-long sleep.

His eyes were bloodshot red, he has been crying for days. He didn’t even leave the hospital for taking a shower, his hair was a mess. He was wearing the clothes Baekhyun’s friend Jongdae had brought because Chanyeol kept refusing to leave the room.

Taking out a brush, Chanyeol gently combed Baekhyun’s hair. Then he cleaned his face with a piece of damped cotton. Chanyeol didn’t want Baekhyun to look messy when he woke up.

Doctors had said that it was important to work Baekhyun’s muscles during the coma because otherwise his muscles would go weak the time he woke up. Therefore, Chanyeol worked Baekhyun’s muscles every morning and night.

No matter what everybody was saying, Chanyeol was still holding onto the possibility of Baekhyun waking up.

“Good morning baby.” Chanyeol mumbled, his voice was a little hoarse. He cleaned his throat, stroking Baekhyun’s porcelain skin. 

Baekhyun looked beautiful even when half of his face was covered with respirator.

“Your mother brought new pajamas for you today, she said they were your favorite.” Chanyeol chuckled even though Baekhyun couldn’t hear him.

He just wanted to believe that Baekhyun was listening in his sleep. Chanyeol hoped that he was with Baekhyun in his dreams, offering him the comfort he couldn’t give outside of them. 

“You look so cute in them. You look cute in everything. I should’ve told you that before.”

A tear fell down on Baekhyun’s shoulder, Chanyeol didn’t even know when he started crying. He couldn’t help but let out a sob.

“I promised I wouldn’t cry but-” Another sob cut his words, Chanyeol wiped his tears with the back of his hand. “Baekhyun, how I wish you’d wake up…”

Chanyeol held Baekhyun’s hand in his, placing his forehead on bed. He couldn’t hold himself anymore, he cried his heart out until his breath caught on his throat.

“I should’ve told you that I love you, Baekhyun.” He looked up to Baekhyun, swallowing the lump in his throat. “I am afraid of being too late. Am I too late?” 

Suddenly he felt a light pressure on his hand, making him jump in surprise. Chanyeol looked around, he didn’t know what to do, what to feel.

Did Baekhyun just move?

Chanyeol’s heart skipped a beat when he saw Baekhyun’s eyelids trembling. He jumped up, looked around in surprise.

“Doctor! Ms. Byun!” He screamed, not being sure of what else to do.

Baekhyun opened his eyes, blinking as he turned his head to Chanyeol. Suddenly a smile made its way to his lips. Baekhyun tried to lift his hand up, to take off the respirator.

“Baekhyun…” Chanyeol kneeled down next to Baekhyun’s bed, holding his hand tightly. “Welcome back baby.”

Chanyeol’s hands were trembling. He felt uneasy. Even though Baekhyun had opened his eyes, Chanyeol’s heart was still filled with fear.

“Chanyeol…” Baekhyun mumbled, trying to take off the respirator again. “Take... Take it off.”

Baekhyun’s voice was raucous, since he hasn’t been speaking for days. Chanyeol could see how much Baekhyun forced himself to gather his strength to speak.

“Don’t force yourself.” Chanyeol mumbled as he helped Baekhyun take off the respirator for a second.

“Chanyeol.” Baekhyun mumbled after a few muffled coughs. “I-”

“I love you, Baekhyun.” Chanyeol cut his words, in case of not being able to be on time this time.

Baekhyun’s eyes sparkled, a soft smile appeared on his lips. He seemed almost peaceful.

Chanyeol’s heart melted with the sight in front of him. 

“Thank you.” Baekhyun mumbled with a weak voice. Even though he didn’t have any strength left in his body, he kept smiling.

“Thank you for loving me.”

Then he went silent.

Suddenly only noise that could be heard was the long beeps coming from the vital sign monitor.

Chanyeol jumped in his place when a group of doctors came into the room, pushing him off the way as they ran towards Baekhyun.

“What is happening?” Chanyeol almost screamed, his lungs burning with the uneasiness given him by the noises around the room.

He could see Baekhyun’s body jolting in his place with the sharp electric pulses given him by the defibrillator.

“What is happening? Let me see him!” Chanyeol screamed angrily as the nurses pushed him back as he tried to run towards Baekhyun’s bed.

Behind him, Baekhyun’s mother was sitting on the floor, held by Baekhyun’s friends Junmyeon and Minseok.

Everything happened so fast.

Noises coming from the vital sign monitor slowed down and doctors stopped talking.

Silence captured the room.

“Why are you stopping? Save him!” Chanyeol screamed, breaking the silence. He felt as if someone put a bullet in his chest, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t breathe. “Save him…” He just kept mumbling even though he knew that it was too _late_.

Chanyeol saw that Baekhyun’s petite hand fell down on the bed, lifeless.

That was it, he was too _late_.

Baekhyun’s last words echoed inside his mind.

_“Thank you for loving me.”_

Chanyeol gripped his shirt tightly.

He couldn’t breathe.

The sight in front of him made him sick to his stomach.

In front of him, laid the love of his life, _dead_.

For the first and the last time, Baekhyun was the one who _left_.

But this time, it was _forever_.

**Spring, 2021**

It was a cold and cloudy day. Sun was nowhere to be seen even though it was spring.

It’s been exactly one year without Baekhyun.

Chanyeol walked through the familiar path, the path that led to the one place he came everyday.

Today he was holding a flower bouquet in his hands. A one that consisted of many different flowers.

Baekhyun’s grave didn’t have any flowers on it, nobody dared to bring him one throughout the last year. 

Chanyeol still didn’t want to believe that Baekhyun was gone. Even though he saw his name written on the white marble everyday, he couldn’t bring himself to believe.

After a year without Baekhyun, Chanyeol didn’t know what to feel.

Sadness, sorrow, desperateness… he had lived every emotional stage that was possible. But now, he just felt confused.

After Baekhyun’s farewell, Chanyeol didn’t know what to do with his life. There was an ache in his heart, in his bones, his soul and everyday the guilt seems to get worse. 

As he placed the flower bouquet on Baekhyun’s grave, he couldn’t help but to smile bitterly.

How _ironic_. 

“Hey.” Chanyeol mumbled as his hand stroked the cold marble, looking for Baekhyun’s warmness. He just wanted to hear the voice he was yearning for.

But he couldn’t.

And it was so hard to accept the fact that he would never hear that voice again. That every day of his life, he will feel the absence of Baekhyun, his warmth, his smiles, everything. He’ll spend every day of his life feeling hollow, empty, aching, all because he had been too late. Because he had been selfish. 

“I brought you flowers.” A tear fell down on Baekhyun’s grave as Chanyeol started talking. “Ironic, right?” 

His eyes lingered on the colorful flowers laid on the grave. Eventually, they were going to turn into soil and feed Baekhyun’s body.

“The flowers I gave you before took your life away. This time, I hope these will cure your soul.”


End file.
